


Weightless

by thebadwolf



Category: TMNT (2007), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-05-03 12:36:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 28,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5291096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebadwolf/pseuds/thebadwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raphael falls into a deep depression and starts to develop an eating disorders. Set after cgi TMNT movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

So sorry my other stories haven't been worked on. I'm in school, working, a mother, and a wife. Sometimes my writing gets pushed away. I might have mentioned it before but I am a recovered bulimic and still struggling with eating properly. I've wanted to write a ninja turtles story that touched on eating disorders. After a very strange dream last night I've decided to start writing it.

 This story is in no way connected to my other ninja turtles stories. This is a stand alone. It is set after the cgi TMNT movie. Be warned this will discuss eating disorders and depression.

 

 

\---

 

After the incident with Winters the turtles lives went back to normal. Well, as normal as they be. It was nice having Leo back. Without him their family had seemed so

incomplete. Mikey spent lots of extra time with him. The two of them had so much to catch up on. Don busied him with secret project. It wouldn't tell anyone what it was

about. Raph found himself alone.

 

Being alone wasn't usual for the red clad turtle. He had been a loner most of his life. Yet, for the first time in his life it felt wrong. He wanted to sit with Mikey and Leo.

He wanted to play video games, watch tv, and discuss the current sports teams.

He wanted to barge in on Don and ask him what he was up to.

For some reason the turtle found himself unable to do so. Had his need to isolate always been this bad? He often found himself getting lost in his thoughts.

He was currently sparing with his youngest brother and found himself unable to pay attention. The orange clad turtle was running circles around him. Raph was completely unable to keep up.

One might expect Mikey to be slow. After all he spent most of him time playing video games. Despite that fact he was the lightest of all his brothers and the fastest. Years of video games had given him quick reflexes. Mikey was never one to sit still. Even while he played games he would bounce up and down on the couch. The turtle was always moving.

 Wham!

In one move Raph was brought down onto his shell. The red clad growled as he struggled to his feet.

"Wow!" Mikey said holding out a hand to his brother. "Are you alright? I almost never do that man."

"I'm fine!" Raph shouted waving his hand away. "Don't rub it in."

"I wasn't..." Mikey said in a soft voice.

His brother didn't give him a chance to finish his sentence. He stormed out of the Dojo and towards his room. Leo and Don were in the kitchen cooking dinner. The two of them stopped and stared at their brother in silence as he passed by.

 "Raph do you want dinner?" Leo called.

 "I'm not hungry," Raph snarled before darting into his room.

 He slammed the door behind and left his brothers standing in silence. Mikey stood outside the Dojo with a surprised look on his face.

 "What the heck got into him?" Don asked looking at Mikey.

 "I don't know," Mikey said. "I beat him but he never gets upset like that. He normally just challenges me to another go."

 "He's been out of it for weeks," Leo explained. "What do you think is up?"

 "He's Raph," Don said. "He's always like that."

 Mikey and Leo frowned looking towards Raph's door. Yes, the turtle was usually a loner

and in a bad mood but never that bad.

 

\--

 Raph fell onto the bed with a thud. He hated the fact he was the slowest of all his brothers. He hated he was the dumbest. He hated he was the most boring. He sat up and looked at himself in the mirror.

 Why did he have to be him? Why couldn't he just change? Why couldn't he just like himself?

 "Raph!" Came Don's voice and then a banging on his door.

 "What?" Raph snapped.

 "Do you want dinner?" his brother asked.

 "Piss off!" the red turtle shouted.

 He reached down onto the floor and picked up the first thing his fingers touched. It turned out to be a basketball. He threw into the door. It made a loud thudding noise and rolled away.

 "Fine," Don said. "Starve and see if I care."

 Raph frowned at the sound of his brother walking away. He looked back to his reflection. He could tell he had put on weight during the time Leo was away. He did fight as the nightwatcher but not that much. His role as the nightwatcher had caused him to sleep during the day. Therefore he didn't train that much with his brothers.

 Was that why he was so slow? Would he feel better if he lost some weight? He knew being over weight could cause depression, mental health issues, and mobility issues. Was the extra weight the problem? If he lost weight would he be happy?

 Of course he didn't know if he was really over weight. There wasn't a scale in the house. Plus he had no idea what his brothers weighed so he had no way to compare.

 Well, he would try it. He would lose a few pounds and see how it felt. Of course he wouldn't tell his brothers or father. He wouldn't want them thinking he was worried about something so superficial as his weight. He knew they would tease him for it.

 Yes that sounded like a good idea. Just a few pounds and then he would stop.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning Raph formed his plan. Every time he sat down at the table he would leave when he was still hungry. Just a little hungry. If he was always a little hungry he would lose weight. 

He also decided to try and be a little nicer to his family. He hoped he would get in a better mood as he lost weight.

That morning he walked out into the kitchen and sat down with a bowl of cereal. Only Leo and Splinter were already at the table. They both looked at him as he sat down. He tried not to meet their eyes as he took a few bites of cereal.

“Good morning,” he said as he ate.

"Glad to see you are doing better this morning," Splinter said.

"Yes," Raph said. "I wasn't feeling well yesterday."

"Oh," Leo said. "You alright today?"

"Yea," was a Raph said before staring at his bowl.

He had only had a few bites and it already seemed like so much. He stared at the small circle shaped pieces of food. He was still hungry. He decided he had eaten enough.

"Raphael," Splinter said. "Are you sure? You seem distant."

"I'm fine," Raphael said pushing the bowl away. "I'll be in the dojo. I take it Mikey is in there."

"Yes," Splinter said with a nod. "I believe he was hoping for a re-match with you. He believed you were off your...game...yesterday."

"Sounds great," Raph said before heading to the dojo.

Splinter frowned as he picked up Raph's barely touched breakfast. He was going to have to keep an eye on his son.

 

-

After an hour in the Dojo with Mikey Raph was starving. He had managed to pin Mikey a couple of times. He was sure the light breakfast was to thanks for it.

He walked into the kitchen and grabbed an apple. Mikey was digging out some left over pizza from the refrigerator.

“Pizza?” Mikey asked offering his brother a slice.

“No thanks,” Raph said nodding to his apple. “I'm all set.”

“Whatever,” Mikey said. “More for me.”

Mikey walked off stuffing pizza into his mouth. Raph devoured the apple quickly. When he was finished he was still starving.

Oh well, he thought. He wouldn't lose any weight if he ate until he was full.

Raph looked into the living and saw Mikey and Leo sitting down to play a video game. Raph thought about going to join them but he found himself unable to. They looked so happy together. They were laughing and fighting over a piece of pizza.

No. He didn't belong there. He would just mess it up somehow. He sighed before heading towards his room. He had comic books that he needed to read.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The next few days were a real test for Raph. He trained as much as he could and ate as little as he could. It was so hard to be on a diet when his brothers ate pizza like it was going out of style. He limited himself to one slice per day.

So far it didn't seem anyone had noticed. Everyone was too busy with their own lives to notice what dumb old Raph was eating.

Little did he know Leo and Splinter were noticing. The oldest turtle always kept an eye out for all his younger siblings. He quickly noticed Raph was eating less. He might not have noticed if the change was small but it was a big change.

It bothered Splinter as well. Even though Splinter and Leo hadn't discussed it they both came to the same conclusion. Perhaps he was sick or having stomach troubles. Leo tried to push his worries to the back of his mind but he couldn't help. Something was clearly wrong with him but he couldn't tell what.

He decided to give it a little time and see what happened.

 

\--

 

After a month of strict dieting Raph could see he had lost weight. He had lost at least ten pounds. Raph knew he had promised himself he would stop dieting after he lost a few pounds but the promise seemed so far away.

 He had lost a few pounds but he didn't feel any better. He felt tired all the time and was struggling to keep up with training. He knew it was because he wasn't eating enough. He didn't have enough fuel to get through the day.

 He frowned at the thought. He didn't want to eat more. If he ate more he would gain back the weight. He needed to eat less but make better choices about what to eat. Pizza wasn't a food he needed. Apples with peanut would be a better choice. Wouldn't it?

Ralph knew he needed to do some research. He needed access to the computer but that meant getting past Don. He would need a good story to explain why he wanted to use the computer. He wasn't in the habit of using it.

 After a few minutes of thinking he walked to Don's room and knocked on the door.

 "Come in!" Don shouted.

 Raph opened the door and stepped inside. Don was sitting at his computer. He looked up when Raph entered the room.

 "What can I help you with?" Don asked pushing a few buttons on his keyboard.

 "I need the computer," Raph asked. "Can I use it?"

 "What for?" Don asked in a curious voice.

 "Well," Raph said looking away. "Come on...we are boys...we do need a little private time."

 "Oh," Don said nodding.

 It wasn't unusual for the turtles to use Don's computer to view porn from time to time.

 "Sure thing," Don said standing up. "Take your time. Just leave when you're done."

 "Thanks," Raph said.

 Don walked out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him. Raph sat down at the computer and started researching food.

 After a while of doing some heavy reading Raph was shocked. The calories in food was shocking. He wasn't surprised he was over weight eating the way he did. He had new ground rules. No pizza at all, only fat free milk, no meat. The new restrictions were going to make it harder to hide.

He decided to see if he could find any tips on hiding his diet from his family. He was shocked to see there were lots of sites with tips. Most of them called themselves 'pro-anorexia' sites. Raph wasn't very familiar with that term. Hiding food and throwing it away later was the top tip. He wasn't sure if he could get away with it but it was worth a shot.

 If his family found out they would think he was being stupid. They would call him dramatic and vein. No. There was no way they could find out how fat he gotten. There was no way they could find out he was so worried about how he looked.

 After about half an hour he deleted the history and left the computer.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Splinter couldn't help but worry for his son. Raph seemed to be suffering from some unknown illness. He almost never ate anything. The rat could see the teenager was quickly losing weight.

He walked in on the them eating dinner and stood to watch. Leo and Mikey were sharing a pizza. Don had some baked fish with potatoes. Raph had a small bowl of chicken soup. He only ate a few mouthfuls before placing his left overs in the refrigerator. Splinter let out a light sigh.

“Raphael,” Splinter said gently. “May I speak with you?”

“Oh,” Raphael said trying to avoid his glance. “Of course Sensei.”

Raphael stood and followed his father into his mediation room. The two of the sat down in silence. Splinter poured himself a cup of tea.

“Care for a cup?” Splinter asked.

“No thank you,” Raphael said looking at the cup with a nervous look.

There was no way he could eat it. He had no idea how many calories were in it but he knew it would be too much.

“Are you feeling alright?” Sensei asked.

“What do you mean?” Raphael asked even though he knew what his father was talking about.

“Raphael,” he said in a stern voice. “You know what I am talking about. You aren't eating.”

“I guess I have cut back some,” the red clad turtle admitted.

“Is there a reason you are doing this?” Sensei questioned in a softer tone. “You have lost weight weight. You are starting to look very thin.”

“I didn't realize,” Raphael lied.

Splinter frowned and studied him for a minute. He knew Raphael was lying. He was avoiding his eyes and speaking softly.

“Raphael,” he finally said. “There is nothing you could tell me that would cause me to judge you. I feel you are holding something back. I want you to know you can tell me anything.”

Raphael sighed. He wanted to tell Splinter about this troubles. Yet, he felt it wouldn't be a good idea. He knew Splinter wouldn't judge him but he might make him eat more. He dreaded the idea of gaining weight.

“There is something,” Splinter said. “Would you rather speak to someone else about this?”

“There isn't anything,” Raphael said shaking his head. “Can I please leave now?”

Splinter decided not to push his son anymore. He nodded.

“Alright,” he said. “You may go. Please remember you can always go to me or any of your brothers if you wish to talk.”

“Of course Sensei,” Raph said forcing a smile.

Splinter gave him a little smile as he headed out of the meditation room. Worry griped his heart. There was something very wrong with his son and he needed to get to the bottom of it.

 

–

Raphael needed to do something. He couldn't go without eating more. Splinter was already on to him. He needed a better way to to lose weight weight out anyone finding out.

He went to Don's room. He needed the computer. The turtle had returned to his room and he would be on the computer. Raph knocked on the door without bothering to come up with an excuse.

“Come on in,” Don said.

Raph opened the door and wasn't surprised to find Don on the computer. He never seemed to leave it.

“I need the computer,” Raph explained.

“Sure,” Don said pressing a few keys. “What you need it for?”

“Just want to do some surfing,” Raph explained.

Don looked at him with a curious face. It could tell he was up to something. He stood up anyway and headed towards the door.

“Thanks Don,” Raph said before sitting down in front of the glowing screen.

Don reached the door before he stopped. He turned and looked at his brother. He wanted to say something to him but he was unable to find the words. He could tell something was going on with him. He shook his head silently before walking out the room. He knew better than to try and talk to Raph.

-

It took a while to find what he wanted but in the end he did. He found a forum full of people who were in the same situation as him. He didn't make an account or post anything but he did read. People who were in his situation were called anorexic. There were lots of girls on the forum but there were guys as well.

Raph didn't feel nearly as alone when he saw the thousands of post. There were lots of people out there suffering just like him.

He clicked on one of the forum called 'Bulimia'. After reading through a few post he decided they had the right idea. If he ate and then vomited his problems would be solved. His family wouldn't blame him for losing weight. If they saw him eat they wouldn't worry much. Of course he would still lose weight but he could deal with that when the time came.

 


	5. Chapter 5

At dinner everyone was shocked to see Raph eating pizza like there was no tomorrow. He had a slice of pizza in one hand a can of Dr. Pepper in the other when Splinter joined them. He watched his son with a curious look.

“I see you're feeling better,” Splinter said smiling a bit.

“Yea,” Raph said slamming the slice of pizza down.

That made Splinter feel slightly better. Perhaps their talk had down some good after all. It didn't seem the turtle could get enough to eat.

“I call the shower,” the red clad turtle yelled jumping up from the table.

“No problem,” Mikey said smiling. “You smell like dead fish.”

“That would be you,” Raph said sticking out his tongue at his brother.

“Maybe it is,” the orange clad turtle said as he began to sniff himself. “Hum...I think it is.”

The table erupted in a fit of laughter as Raph headed off the bathroom. Splinter turned his attention to pizza left. It seemed his family was finally back to normal.

–

Raph walked into the bathroom and locked the bathroom behind him. He turned on the shower and knelt down in front of the toilet. He lifted the lid and slid a finger into his mouth. His pressed his fingers towards the back.

He found the little flap at the back and began to rub it. His eyes began to water quickly and then his stomach lurched. Next thing he knew he was emptying his stomach into the toilet. It hurt so bad but it was worth it. His eyes and throat burned like they were on fire. He ate in front of his family and he wouldn't gain weight from it. He wondered if it would get any easier.

He flushed the toilet and climbed into the shower. He needed to get the smell of vomit off him. The red clad turtle hated what he had done. He hated the fact he had sunken so low. Yet, he knew he didn't have a choice. There was no way he was going to get fat again.

\--

Sorry this is so short but I'm busy as heck. Will update tomorrow. 

 


	6. Chapter 6

The next month was more of the time for Raph. He ate meals with his family and then made excuses to slip away. Even though he was eating Splinter could tell he was still losing weight. Something was wrong. He watched his son eat. He should be gaining weight. He should look healthy but he didn't. In fact he looked worse.

Splinter knew he had to do something. If he didn't his son would waste away. He was watching one of his sons die. He found himself staring at his children. They were sitting together watching television in the living room.

“Donatello,” he said. “May I speak with you?”

“Of course,” Don said getting up from the couch.

His brothers looked at his with curiosity but quickly turned back to the glowing box. Don followed Splinter into the mediation room silently.

The two of them sat down across from each other. Splinter poured two glasses of tea. Splinter drank down a mouth full before speaking.

“I am very worried about Raph,” Splinter said. “I see him eat but he is still losing weight. I thought he would recover once he started eating again.”

“KI know Sensei,” Don said sighing. “He is wasting away and I can't figure out why.”

“Perhaps some blood work would be in order,” the rat suggested. “Maybe this is something medical.”

“Maybe,” the purple turtle said frowning.

“You don't believe so?” Splinter asked.

“Raph has been using my computer a lot lately,” Don explained. “I put a key logger on my computer. I wanted to know what he was doing on there. Master Splinter I've been trying to bring this but to you before but I had no idea how.”

“What was he doing?” Splinter asked in a confused voice.

“I think Raph has a serious problem” Don said. “I should have told you sooner but....I'm so confused by it. I think Raph is bulimic.”

“Bulimic?” the rat asked narrowing his eyes. “What does this mean?”

“I think he is eating and throwing the food up,” the purple clad turtle answered. “Bulimic people throw up their food so they won't gain weight.”

“He is afraid of gaining weight?” Splinter asked. “But...but he is so thin now.”

“I know Master Splinter,” Don said. “Raph has a mental illness. He looks at himself and sees an overweight person.”

Splinter frowned and looked down at his cup of tea. He was completely unsure of what to say. His son was sick. He was suffering and he had no idea how to help him. After a moment of feeling lost he looked up at Don.

“What do we do?” Splinter asked. “This can't go on. He will die if he keeps up.”

“I know,” the computer nerd said. “You need to tell him you know what he is doing and that you want to help.”

Splinter knew he was right. He needed to be direct with him. Yet, Splinter knew that would be a problem. Raphael could be a very difficult person to talk to.

“Perhaps catching in the act what would be the best,” Don suggested. “He will be angry and he'll yell but he won't be able to deny it.”

“Perhaps that is the way to do it,” Splinter said nodding. “This can't go on anymore. Thank you. Don't tell your brothers what is going on. I don't want Raph to know I am on to him.

  
Don nodded before walking out of the mediation room. After a minute Splinter was left alone with his thoughts. He was so scared of confronting Raphael. He was terrified that when he was confronted Raph would just run out and never return.

\--

Splinter knew he had to wait until the time was right. He would have to catch his son at the right time. Raph was eating popcorn and watching a monster movie with Mikey. Even though he still felt uncomfortable hanging out with his brothers it was getting better. As he lost more and more weight he felt more in control. He could control his life. There was something special about him. He had complete control over his body.

He looked down at the empty bag of popcorn and frowned. He hadn't meant to eat that much. It was going to have to come up.

“Be right back,” he said getting up from the couch. “Bathroom.”

Mikey nodded and kept watching his movie. Raph walked in the door and locked it. He turned on the sink to cover the noise of his vomiting.

Little known to him Splinter was waiting. As soon as he noticed it son head into the bathroom he walked over to the door. He knew that if he twisted to the knob a couple of times to both sides it would open. It was a safety figure in case someone needed to open the door,

He had tried to mental prepare himself but there was no way for that to happen. He jerked open the door and stared at the site before him.

Raph was on his knees in front of the toilet. His fingers were jammed down his throat. Splinter watched as his son forced his food up his throat and into the toilet. For a second there was silence. The only noise was the flowing water in the sink.

The red turtle felt he was being watched. He lifted his head and turned around. A horrified look crossed his face. He jumped to his feet and flushed the toilet.

“Raphael,” Splinter said. “We need to talk.”

Splinter knew! No doubt his brothers knew. He felt complete shame. He was such a failure and now everyone knew it. He HAD to get out of the house. He seemed completely panicked. He quickly pushed past his father.

“Raphael please,” his father said. “Please don't run.”

Raphael didn't wait to hear what he had say. He couldn't handle it. He needed to get away. He needed to run and never stop running. Mikey jumped up from the couch at the sudden noise. He looked on in shock as Raph made a beeline for the door.

"Leave me alone," Raphael yelled as he ran out of the lair.

"What's going on?" Mikey asked. 

"I'm not really sure myself," Splinter said with a sigh. "I'm as lost as you are."

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Raphael didn't know where he was running to but he knew he couldn't stop running. He didn't really anywhere to go but he knew he couldn't go home.

He knew Splinter would only worry about him and he hated the fact he was making him worry. He was afraid of what his brothers would think of him. They would call him dramatic. They would call him a girl. He couldn't handle the shame.

He ran into his lung began to burn. He dropped down to the ground panting. His heart was racing and his head was spinning. His body couldn't handle the running. It was too starved. He leaned against the wall and tried to gather himself.

He knew sooner or later he would have to go home. If he went to April and Casey's place they would tell Splinter where he was. He didn't believe anyone would force him to go home. Would he feel safe there? Would April and Casey lecture him? Would they make fun of him?

He put his head in his band and groaned. He needed to go somewhere. His head was spinning and he was freezing. He needed some pain killers and a warm blanket. Ever since he started losing weight he was cold all the time.

After a moment of sitting in silent thought he decided he would go see April and Casey. They would patch him up and make sure he was safe. They would call Splinter and let him know he was alright but they wouldn't force him to go home. He often went to their place when he got into fights with his brothers and they never made him go home. They knew sometimes all he needed was a little space.

With a groan he got to his feet and headed towards their apartment.

–

“No,” April said into the phone. “I haven't seen him Splinter. Is everything alright?”

A little while after Raph stormed out Splinter called their only friends to see if they had seen him. He was very worried about him. He was in no state to be roaming the city by himself.

“He isn't well,” Splinter said. “I don't really know how to explain it. He is very sick.”

April looked up to see Raph at the window.

“He actually just showed up,” April said smiling and waving. “He does look pretty tired. Want me to watch him for a bit?”

“That would be wonderful,” Splinter said. “If you can please try to get him to eat something,”

“Alright,” April said in a confused voice. “I'll order him something.”

“Thank you April,” the rat said in a grateful voice. “I'll let him have his private time. Tell him he can come home anytime.”

“Of course,” she said. “He's in good hands.”

April said her goodbyes as Raph entered the room. He barely made it to the couch before he collapsed.

“What's wrong?” April asked rushed to his side. “You look awful. You're freezing! Casey. Get a blanket.”

Casey came out of the bedroom with a heavy blanket and wrapped it around Raph's shoulders. Raph took a deep breath and pulled the blanket around him tightly. His turtle nature kept him warm most of the time but sometimes he felt more human than turtle.

“I got wet in the sewer,” Raph explained as he felt his body returning to normal.

“You look awful,” Casey said walking into the kitchen. “I'm going to order you some food. You look like you've lost thirty pounds.”

Thirty pounds? Raph shook his head. There was no way he had lost that much.

“Pizza would be alright I guess,” he whispered.

He was starving and his stomach hurt. The constant vomiting was tearing it up. Eating one meal and keeping it down wouldn't kill him. He knew his body needed it.

Casey walked off into the bedroom to use the phone leaving April and Raphael alone. April sat down next to him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Raph,” she said. “Splinter seemed really worried about you. I know we haven't seen much of you lately but that doesn't mean we don't care. You know you can tell us anything.”

“I'm just having some problems right now,” Raphael. “I know Splinter is just worried but I can't talk to him about it.”

“You can stay here as long as you want,” she said. “Maybe some time away from your brothers would do you some good. Do you want anything to go with your pizza?”

Raph liked the idea of fries but decided against it. He shook his head.

“Raph,” she said gently. “You don't have to tell me but I feel like I need to ask. Are you by any chance having some problems with food?”

Raph couldn't look her at her. He lowered his eyes to the floor and nodded.

“It's alright,” she said giving him a hug. “I won't pressure you.”

April got up from the couch and walked into the bedroom. He could hear Casey on the phone. April closed the door behind her. No doubt she was telling Casey what he had just admitted to. Raph felt like he wanted to cry.

He had fallen so low. He truly felt like he had hit bottom. He needed a distraction. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV.

 

 

Forty minutes later Raph was lying on the couch with a full stomach. It felt so good to be warm and full. The feeling of full stomach was an odd sensation for him. He wasn't used to it at all. It felt foreign and unnatural in a way.

He was almost asleep. His eyes were closed and he felt his breathing sat to relax. He was on the edge of sleep when he heard voices.

“Poor guy,” he heard Casey say.

“Sh,” April said. “He's awake.”

“No way,” Casey said. “I just checked. The turtle is out cold. He looks like he really needs the rest.”

“I know,” she said. “He doesn't look like he's been eating at all.”

“What do you think is going on?” the man asked.

“I don't know much about it,” April said. “He did tell me he was having problems with food. I can tell that just looking at him. He looks so thin.”

“What do we do?” Casey questioned.

“He's going to stay with us for as long as he needs,” April explained. “You can take care of him while I'm at work. I'm supposed to leave in a few days. Someone needs a family relic from Russia. I really don't want to leave him like this.”

“I cam handle him,” the man said. “I'll make sure he eats and see if I can't get him to talk to me some.”

Raphael wanted to keep listening to their conversation but he couldn't. He so tired. He took a deep breath and let sleep take him.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning Raph woke up early. He was hungry and thirsty. He flicked off his blanket and looked out the window. The sky was still dark.

 

He got to his feet and wondered into the kitchen. He thought about making a bowl of cereal but decided against it. With a shake of his head he poured himself a glass of water. He drank it in a hurry. It helped to make his stomach feel less empty.

 

As Raph headed back to the couch he glanced at the phone. He felt the urge to talk to his father. He needed to hear his comforting voice. Splinter always knew how to make him feel better. He wasn't sure if anyone would be up at the lair but that didn't stop him from picking up the phone.

 

He pushed in the number and half hoped no one would answer. After a only a couple of rings it was picked up.

 

“Mikey here,” his younger brother's voice came through the phone.

 

“Hi Mikey,” Raphael said. “I wasn't expecting anyone to actually be awake.”

 

“Raph?” Mikey questioned in a surprised voice. “Are you alright? We've been so worried. Splinter said that you were safe but he wouldn't tell us much.”

 

“I'm with April and Casey,” the red clad turtle explained. “I'm not feeling well. I just need some space right now.”

 

“Is it something we did?” Michelangelo asked. “Did I do something?”

 

“No way Mikey,” he said with a forced laugh. “You might be a little dumb sometimes but you don't normally piss me off.”

 

“Good to know,” the youngest turtle answered. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

 

“Is Splinter awake?” Raphael asked. “I need to talk to him.”

 

“I think he's asleep,” Mikey said after a moment. “I'll have him call you as soon as he wakes up.”

 

“Thanks,” Raphael said. “Look I've got to go. Don't worry Mikey. I'll be home in a few days.”

 

“Alright,” the turtle said sounding a bit happier. “I just want you to know you can talk to us Raph. I don't really understand what's going on but that doesn't mean I can't listen.”

 

“I know Mikey,” Raphael said. “I won't be gone long.”

 

After the two of them said their goodbyes Raphael hung up the phone and went back to the kitchen. He knew he needed to eat something. He was sure he would throw it up but he had to at least try.

 

–

 

April could hear Raphael moving around in the kitchen. She rolled over and looked at Casey. Her boyfriend was still sleeping. He often slept during the day and was up at night. She decided it would be good to check on him.

 

She pulled herself out of bed and slipped on her robe. She walked out of the bedroom and into the living room. She was happy to see the turtle was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of cereal. He was pushing it down as fast as he could.

 

“Morning Raph,” she said going into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee.

 

“Hi April,” he said looking up. “Did I wake you?”

 

“No,” she lied. “I'm the early bird. Casey usually sleeps late.”

 

After a moment Raph dumped his bowl in the sink and headed into the bathroom. April frowned when she heard water running in the bathroom. Over the sound of the water she thought she heard vomiting but she couldn't be sure.

 

Poor Raph, she thought as she poured herself a cup of coffee. The turtle needed some serious help.

 

She sat down on the coffee and turned on the morning news. She hated the idea of what Raph was doing behind that locked door. She wanted to go in an pull him out. She wanted to shake him and beg him not to. Of course she didn't. After it wouldn't do any good....would it?

 

The water stopped running in the bathroom and the door opened. The turtle walked out and sat down next to her on the couch. The two of them sat next to each other in silence.

 

“You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but are you throwing your food up?” April asked in a soft voice.

 

For a few minutes Raph just looked at his hands. His mouth was slightly open and it looked like he wanted to talk very badly.

 

“Yes,” he finally said. “It didn't start that way. It just kind of happened. I never expected it to get this bad. I don't want to do it anymore. I never even wanted to start.”

 

“Why did you?” April asked looking at him.

 

“I...” Raphael said looking away. “I wasn't eating and Splinter was starting to watch me. I wanted to get him off my back.”

 

“Why weren't you eating?” the woman questioned.

 

Raphael kept his eyes on his hands. He wasn't sure what to say. He had always been very close with April. In a way she was like the mother he had never had.

 

“I needed to lose weight,” Raphael explained. “At least I just wanted to lose a little but...”

 

“Things got a bit out of hand?” she asked trying to finish his sentence.

 

“Yes,” the turtle said. “I don't know how to stop it now.”

 

“Do you still think you need to lose weight?” April asked.

 

Raphael was done. He didn't want to answer that. He didn't want to hear the answer come out of his mouth. He knew he would say 'yes'. The thought that he still thought he was over weight disturbed him. He snapped his mouth shut.

 

“It's alright,” she said placing a hand on his shoulder. “You're doing great. Just remember I'm here if you need to talk.”

 

Raphael nodded as he curled up on the couch. He just wanted to be left alone. April seemed to sense this.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” April said standing up. “Take it easy. I can tell you have a lot on your mind.”

 

“Are you going to make me stop....vomiting?” Raphael asked suddenly. “Are you going to make me gain weight?”

 

“I hope it doesn't come to that,” she said smiling slightly. “I hope we can figure out what is causing this problem in the first place. I have to leave the country in a few days but Casey will still be here for you. We won't leave you without some support.”

 

As April walked away Raphael felt a weight left off his chest. They were going to take it easy with him. They weren't going to force him to get better. That made him feel a little better. They made him feel more in charge.

–

 


	9. Chapter 9

I am so honored that people like this story! Writing this actually helps me get through my struggle with Bulimia. Sometimes I have to take breaks because it is so emotional to write. I'm on winter break for school so I'll have some more time to write.

\---

 

After a little while Splinter called to check in with him. They didn't talk about what was going on. They chatted about Mikey managing to get his hand stuck in the sink drain for a little. Raph could tell they would both avoiding talking about his problem.

 

Raph was lying on the couch with the phone in his hand. Casey and April sat together on the love seat watching a show. The turtle got up and walked into the bathroom. He needed to ask some serious questions and he wanted to be alone.

 

The red clad turtle locked the door behind siting down on the edge of the tub.

 

“What do you really want to talk to me about?” Splinter finally asked.

 

“Dad,” he said. “I...uh...are you mad at me?”

 

“Of course not,” the rat said. “I am worried. There is a difference. I think sometimes you have a hard time seeing the difference.”

 

“I'm trying,” Raph said. “I...I want to stop this.”

 

“I think I need to understand what is going on before I can help,” his father said. “I know you aren't eating and what you are eating you're....vomiting up.”

 

“Yeah that's basically it,” Raph said in almost a whisper. “I was sick of being the slow one.”

 

He wanted to say more but he found the words caught in his throat.

 

“I see,” Splinter said. “And you thought losing weight would make you faster?”

 

“Yes,” was all the turtle could manage.

 

“Alright,” Splinter said. “Makes sense so far. Why did you not come to me about this? I could have helped you.”

 

“I was scared,” Raphael admitted. “I was afraid of being judged. I never want to be seen as been weak.”

 

Splinter sighed. He knew that was a hard thing for his son to admit. He was really starting to make some head room but he knew better than to press him too hard.

 

“No one here is doing that,” his father assured him. “I promise you that. Do you need time? You sound upset.”

 

“Yes,” Raphael said nodding even though his father couldn't see him. “I'll call when I can talk again.”

 

“That sounds good,” Splinter said. “Remember I love you Raphael. I will always be there for you.”

 

“I know,” Raphael said. “I love you too Sensei.”

 

Raphael hung up the phone and set it on the toilet lid. All of a sudden he didn't feel well. He felt let he was coming down with the flu. His bones had started to ache weeks ago and it was just getting worse. Perhaps a warm shower would help.

 

He took off his bandanna and lay it next to the phone. He turned on the shower and got the water right. He stepped under the water and let out a sigh of relief. The warm water cascading down his shell felt like heaven.

 

For a second Raph wished he was home. He wished he had his brothers there to comfort him. He wished his father was there to pull him in for a hug. He wished he could feel his warm fur against him. He would go home but just not yet.

 

 

The next few days were stressful for everyone. Casey and April were making little progress with Raphael. By the third day he was able to keep down a small snack. Even that seemed to over whelm him.

 

April felt horrible about leaving him but she didn't home much of a choice. It was decided he would return home and if he felt overwhelmed he could return to stay with Casey.

 

“How are you feeling about going back?” April asked as she packed her bag.

 

“Nervous,” Raph answered as he watched. “I mean... I feel a little better about this whole than I did a few days ago.”

 

“That's good,” April said closing her suitcase. “I want you to know that we're here for you. Your family is going to supportive. I think maybe they feel just as lost as you do.”

 

“I know,” Raph said softly.

 

“Do you want one of us to walk you home?” his friend asked.

 

“No,” Raph said shaking his head. “I didn't even tell them I'm comg home tonight. They think I'm coming home in the morning. I don't want them....I don't want them making a big show over this.”

 

“Take care of yourself,” April said pulling him in for a hug. “You're doing great. Just take it one day at a time and you'll make it.”

 

“I know,” he said hugging her back. “Thanks for the help. I'm heading out now. I'll be fine Apirl.”

 

April reluctantly let go of her friend.

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

 

–

Raphael almost changed his mind as he head out of the apartment. He didn't want to go home. He wanted to hide from them as long as possible. Yet, he knew that wasn't possible. It wouldn't do any good. He needed his family.

 

The turtle took his time walking through the sewers. He felt so tired with each step. He wasn't really sure how much more his body could take. He knew he had to recover or he wasn't going to last much longer.

 

When he reached the lair he took a deep breath before walking in. He knew his family would try their best but he knew they would fail. There would be fight, yelling, and throwing of things. At least he was sure that would happen.

 

His brothers were sitting at the table eating a late dinner. Mikey had an empty fried chicken bucket on his head. His brothers were laughing and spilling mash potatoes on the floor. They really seemed to be having a good time.

 

Raphael stood still in the living room unsure of what to do.

 

Donnie happened to glance in his direction and saw him out of the corner of his eye. He stopped laughing and gave his brother a little smile.

 

“I thought you weren't coming home until tomorrow,” he said.

 

The statement caused his brothers to look in the direction he was. They all stopped laughing and talking. They just stared at him with concerned and surprised faces. It made Raph instantly uncomfortable.

 

Mikey jumped up from his seat and ran over to him. The orange clad turtle pulled him into a tight hug. Raph couldn't help but laugh at the site in front of him. Mikey still had the fried chicken bucket on his head and was smiling.

 

“I missed you,” he said before letting go. “Want some chicken?”

 

Raphael frowned and looked away. There was no way he could eat fried chicken.

 

“Oh yeah,” Mickey said and the happiness seemed to vanish from his face. “I forgot.”

 

“I'll eat,” Raph said nodding. “Just not chicken. Too greasy for my stomach right now. What else you got?”

 

That seemed to make Mikey so happy. He ran to refrigerator and started digging through it. The red clad turtle joined his other brothers at the table.

 

“Feeling better?” Leo asked.

 

“A little,” Raph said.

 

It was the truth. That fact that things were out made him feel a little better. He didn't have to hide it anymore. It wasn't some dark secret he had to keep locked away in his soul.

 

“How about chicken fried salad?” Mikey asked. “We have some left over from yesterday.”

 

“That sounds good,” Raph said.

 

“Well,” Leo said. “I'm glad. Now you can start eating again and we can get past this.”

 

Raph looked at Leo in surprise. Did his brother really think it was that easy? Did he really think he could just start eating and be normal? Could he? Did it really work like that?

 

“It won't be that easy.” Donnie said when he saw the confused look on Raph's face. “I did a little research on this. Physical recovery can last months and mental recovery can take ages.”

 

“Hey,” Mikey said. “Not now. Not during dinner time.”

 

The table fell silent. Mikey put a plate of chicken salad in front of Raph. Quietly the four of them started to eat.

 

Raph tried his best but he couldn't get more than a few mouth fulls down. Every piece of food that hit his stomach made his urge to purge it back up stronger. He didn't want to v omit it back up. He wouldn't vomit it back up.

 

“I'm going to bed,” Raph said standing up.

 

“It's early,” Mikey said. “And you just home.”

 

“I need to lie down,” Raph said. “Is Splinter still awake? I want to say goodnight.”

 

“No,” Donnie said. “He seemed kind of stressed. He went to bed early.”

 

Oh well. Raph would see him in the morning. He said goodnight to his brothers before heading into his bedroom.

 

–

 

For some reason returning to his room felt strange. It felt he was stepping into a long forgotten child hood play room. A place that used to hold pleasant memories.

 

He hadn't bothered to clean anything in ages. Since he started restricting he just didn't have the energy to do it anymore. A light coating of dust covered everything. His mirror was still covered with a sheet. He hadn't looked at his reflection in ages.

 

Raph walked over to the mirror and pulled the sheet down. The white fabric slid down the glass and onto the floor. The turtle half expected to see a thin and sick creature staring back at him. That wasn't what he saw. He still saw an over weight creature.

 

He thought about putting it back up but decided against it. He collapsed onto the bed and quickly fell asleep.

 

–

 

Raph wasn't sure what woke him but out of no where he felt his body being yanked from its peaceful sleep. He blinked his eyes a few times and looked at his alarm clock.

 

3:32 glared back at him in red numbers.

 

He knew his body had digested his dinner long ago but the fact that he had eaten bothered him. He knew what he had to do.

 

The red clad turtle climbed out of bed and carefully slipped out of his room. He didn't want anyone to catch him. He didn't want them to see he was struggling. It wouldn't be bad if Don or Leo saw it but poor Mikey wasn't taking it very well.

 

The lair was silent and dark as Raph headed towards the bathroom. He felt like he was taking a walk of shame. Every step felt like a stab in the heart. What was he doing? He couldn't do this. He wanted to scream.

 

Raph opened the door and went inside. He didn't even bother to shut the door. Part of him wanted to get caught. Part of him wanted someone to walk in and hug him; tell him everything was going to be alright.

 

He knelt down in front of the toilet and shoved his finger down his throat. The gagging, the burning, the pain, and the shame overwhelmed him. He was flushing the toilet when he felt a hand on his shoulder. The long claws told him it was his father.

 

“It's alright my son,” he said. “Come. I have some tea to help your stomach.”

 

Splinter removed his hand and walked out of the bathroom. Raph washed his hands before following after Splinter.

 

His father was in the preparing some tea. Raph hoped the tea would help his stomach. He would trust his father's judgment. He knew a thing or two about tea. He walked over and sat down at the table.

 

“Would you like to talk about it Raphael?” Splinter asked placing the kettle on the hot stove.

 

“I had some chicken salad when I got home,” he explained. “I woke up and just couldn't handle I had eaten it.”

 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked.

 

Raph wasn't sure what to say. He knew he needed tough love. He needed them to stop him from throwing up. He didn't believe he would be able to stop on his own. Yet, he felt he wasn't ready for it. He just needed to remember he was loved.

 

“Why am I the worst of my brothers?” he asked suddenly. “Donnie, Mikey, and Leo are all better than me. Donnie is great with computers, Mikey skateboard and play video games, Leo is well Leo. There is nothing special about me. I guess I need to know there is something special about me. Even if it's a lie I need to hear it.”

 

“I would never lie to you,” Splinter said. “You are a wonderful person. You truly care about protecting the world from evil. You would do anything for me or your brothers. You're a great fighter, a good cook, great at video games, basketball, and you have a soft spot for animals. I could go on much longer. I'm sorry you don't like yourself.”

 

Raph smiled at his father's words. Part of him believe him but the other part thought he was lying to make him eat.

 

“Raphael,” he said in a suddenly serious tone. “I need to ask you a serious question.”

 

“What is it?” the turtle asked in a soft voice.

 

He was almost scared of what Splinter was going to ask.

 

“When you look at yourself do you think you're skinnier than you were before this started?” the rat asked.

 

“No,” Raph said shaking his head. “I don't see it. I see a chubby slow turtle.”

 

“Do you think you weigh more than your brothers?” Splinter questioned.

 

“Oh yes,” Raph said nodding. “I'm sure of it.”

 

Raph looked at his father with a curious look. What was his father up to?

 

After a moment Splinter got up and fetched them both a cup of tea. As Raph sat in the kitchen drinking his tea he felt his body started to relax. For the first time time Raph felt his worries slip away. He knew being around his father would make him feel better.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

–

 

It was decided Raph wouldn't be allowed to train until he gained some weight. Splinter made sure to say it wasn't a punishment. He was just worried that it might be too much for his sick body.

 

Raphael knew it was for his own good. Yet, it killed him. He was lying on the couch listening to his brothers train in the dojo. He was trying to watch television but it was hard to focus on the movie with the sounds of his brothers enjoying themselves.

 

He looked at his breakfast that was still sitting on the coffee table. A small plate of scrambled eggs and two pieces of bacon was sitting on the hard wood surface.

 

Splinter wanted him to 'try' and finish the small meal. He had taken a few bites of egg and one of bacon. He glanced towards the bathroom door. He wanted to purge. He was dying to get the eggs up. He whined and pushed his face into the couch.

 

_I can do this_ he thought as he took a deep breath.

 

“I going to go check on Raph,” Mikey's voice reached his ears.

 

“Give him some space,” Donnie said. “Hounding him won't help.”

 

“I'm not hounding him,” Mikey said. “Just going to check.”

 

Raph wanted to cry as he heard Mikey's footsteps get closer. He knew his younger brother was just worried about him. He lifted his head slightly when he felt the turtle standing near.

 

“You alright?” Mikey asked.

 

“Fine,” Raph lied.

 

The orange clad turtle had a worried look on his face. He looked down at the barley touched breakfast.

 

“Raph,” he said softly. “Can't you at least try?”

 

What? At least try? He was trying! His stomach was killing him. He wanted to get the food up more than anything. How dare Michelangelo say that!

 

The red clad turtle jumped to his feet and shoved his brother.

 

“What the hell Raph?” Mikey asked as he was bumped back.

 

“I am trying!” he said. “You have no idea what I'm going through.”

 

Mikey looked at him in shock. He really wasn't expecting him to explode like that. Mikey eyes went soft and Raph could tell he had really hurt his feelings.

 

“I can't,” Raph said before turning to head towards the bathroom.

 

“No!” Mikey screaming lunging at his brother.

 

Raph didn't even have a chance. Mikey tackled him to the floor. The turtle let out a grunt of pain as he hit the floor.

 

“Mikey!” Don shouted. “Get off of him!”

 

“He's going to throw up,” the orange clad turtle explained. “He barley ate anything and he was going to throw up.”

 

“This isn't the way to handle it,” Don explaining pulling one brother off the other.

 

“He's going to die!” the youngest turtle cried. “Why am I the only one who cares?”

 

“We care,” Donatello said. “We do. We all want him to get better but tackling him isn't going to do anything, You alright Raph?”

 

Raph nodded and tried to get up but found himself unable to. His knees were killing him and he just couldn't find the energy to stand.

 

“Help me,” Raph said weakly. “I can't stand.”

 

Don bend down and wrapped Raph's arms around his neck. He didn't have any trouble helping the turtle to his feet. He had lost so much weight. Mikey stood off to the side and watched with guilty eyes. Don placed Raph on the couch.

 

“I'm sorry,” Mikey said. “Can I get you anything Raph?”

 

“Water,” Raph said. “And a blanket.”

 

Mikey nodded and quickly raced off. Don looked up to see Leo and Splinter standing in the doorway to the Dojo.

 

“What happened?” Leo asked.

 

“Mikey tried to help,” Don explained. “Poor Raph tried to go the bathroom and Mikey tackled him.”

 

“I see,” Splinter said. “Are you hurt Raphael?”

 

“My knees hurt,” the red clad turtle explained.

 

Mikey quickly rushed back into the room with a blanket. He threw it over his brother. Raph smiled and pulled it tightly around him.

 

“I want to make something clear,” Splinter said. “Raphael is sick; physically and mentally. I will not see him physically injured because of this. Do you understand me Michelangelo?”

 

“Yes Sensei,” Mikey said. “I'll get your water Raph.”

 

“When you are done Michelangelo please join us in the mediation room,” Splinter explained.

 

Mikey nodded knowing he was bond to be in more trouble for what he had done. He retrieved the glass of water and sat it next to Raphael's unfinished plate.

 

Three of the turtles followed their father into the mediation room. Mikey couldn't help looking over his shoulder at his brother.

 

–

 

The turtles were surprised to see a bathroom scale sitting on the floor in the middle of the room.

 

“What's this about?” Leo asked pointing to the scale.

 

“I need a baseline to see what you three weigh,” Splinter explained. “I forgot I found it ages ago.”

 

“I'll go first,” Leo said stepping forward.

 

Each turtle took a turn standing on the scale. Mikey weighed the least at 240. Don was the heaviest at 250 and Leo was right in the middle at 245.

 

“I need to show Raphael that he is indeed lighter than you three,” Splinter explained. “Maybe it will help him. I want you to back off Mikey. I know you want to help him but the truth is we don't know what to do. You three can have the rest of the day to yourselves.”

 

Splinter picked up the scale and headed out the living room. He knew it was going to be hard getting Raph on the scale but he knew he had to do it.

 

–

 

Splinter gave Raph a little while before he brought the scale out. The turtle was sitting up and his empty plate was on the coffee table.

 

“Raph,” the rat said. “I need you to do something.”

 

“What is it?” Raph asked in a worried voice.

 

“I need to know your weight,” his father explained clutching the scale. “I can understand that you might not want to know. I need to know how bad this is. You can get on backwards if you want.”

 

Raph nodded and pushed his blanket off. He was feeling a lot better and was sure he could stand. Splinter sat the scale down on the floor. The underweight turtle looked worried but stepped on the scale anyway.

 

200 pounds filled the small window. Splinter sighed looked at the number. It was worse than they thought.

 

“You're forty pounds lighter than your brothers,” Splinter explained as Raph stepped off.

_Forty pounds? There was no way that was possible._ Raph thought as he dropped back to the couch.

 

“I understand this will take some time,” Splinter said picking up the scale. “When you have recovered from this....physically at least...I want you at two forty.”

 

“Two forty?” he questioned. “That sounds impossible.”

 

“I know sounds like a lot,” his father said. “Just remember to take it one day at a time. Change does not happen all at once.”

 

Raph sighed as his father walked away. Here he was so proud he held down some eggs and bacon. It would take him ages to get where his father wanted him. It sounded like a mountain he would never be able to climb.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

Mikey tried to out of Raphael's way the next few days. He avoided his brother at all cost and hadn't said one word to him. It broke his heart to see his brother that way. After all Mikey had been just trying to help. Perhaps his brother was right. Maybe they were giving in to him too much.

 

Raph was still stuck on the couch. He hated it. He quickly became bored of the television and video games. There always seem to be a plate of food on the coffee table. Splinter had switched out his water for milk.

 

The red clad turtle hated the way the milk felt going down his throat. It felt so heavy in his stomach but he was fighting to keep it down. He had thrown up the pancakes but kept the milk and bacon down.

 

He was keeping an eye out for Mikey. He wanted to talk to his brother. He wanted to tell him he really didn't blame him.

 

He didn't get his chance until lunch time. Don had fixed him a ham and cheese sandwich with some chips, and milk. He noticed Mikey standing in the kitchen fixing some lunch.

 

“Mikey,” Raph called lifting his head. “Come here a minute pal.”

 

Mikey looked around for a minute. He seemed a little unsure of talking to Raph. Finally he nodded and walked over to his brother. Raph moved into a sitting up position so that he could sit down. Mikey didn't look at him as he sat down.

 

“I'm sorry about the other day,” Mikey said. “I...I want to help.”

 

“I know,” Raph said. “You thought you were doing the right thing. Maybe you're right.”

 

Mikey jerked his head in his brother's direction. His eyes widened with shock. It wasn't often that Raph told him that he was right.

 

“I give you permission to stop me from throwing up,” Raph said. “I know I won't get any better I keep doing it.”

 

“Really?” Mikey asked his eyes lighting up with happiness. “For real?”

 

“Yes,” the older turtle said. “Try talking with me and sitting with me after I eat. This is your job Mikey. You're the one I trust with it.”

 

That really made the orange clad turtle's day. He smiled from ear to ear and nodded. He knew he could truth Mikey with the job. It would really help them both. It would keep Raph from throwing up as much and it would give Mikey something to focus on.

 

“Do you want me to sit with you while you eat?” Mikey asked looking at the food. “Or is that too much?”

 

“No it's cool,” Raph said picking up half of his sandwich. “You can stay.”

 

 

After eating half a sandwich, some milk, and a couple chips Raph started feeling desperate. His stomach was hurting and the urge to throw up was growing with each second.

 

“Did you know Don is almost done with that secret project?” Mikey asked.

 

“What?” Raph asked unsure of what Mikey was talking about.

 

“That thing he started months ago,” the orange clad turtle explained. “He's been working on it for ages.”

 

“Any clue what it is?” Raph asked trying not to think about the pain in his stomach.

 

“Who knows,” Mikey said. “It could be a robot wife for all I know.”

 

That did it. Raph started to laugh and shake his head. Only Mikey would think of something like that.

 

“I wouldn't be surprised,” Raph said still laughing.

 

The conversation made him feel good. It was the first time in months that he had actually laughed. He slowly started to forget about the pain in his stomach.

 

“Thanks,” Raph said. “You really helped me out. For once Mikey I have to say you were right.”

 

“It actually worked?” Mikey asked in surprise. “Me? I did something right. I thought you were just pulling me leg for a minute. I have to tell Leo. He won't believe this.”

 

Mikey quickly jumped up from the couch and ran off to find Leo.

 

–

 

The next day Raph was ready to lose his mind. He'd been twenty four hours without purging and it was eating him up inside. The need to get the food out was taking over. Mikey was doing his job and refused to leave his side until well after dinner.

 

Raph found the energy to return to his bedroom but didn't stay there long. The urge to purge took over and headed to the bathroom. He looked around to make sure no one was watching him before diving into the bathroom.

 

He knew he wasn't bound to have much food in his stomach but he had to try. He knelt down in front of the toilet and lifted the lid. He felt he was betraying Mikey by doing it but he couldn't stop himself. He stuck his finger down his throat and managed to bring up some food.

 

His body shook from the stress of it and he felt tears flow from his eyes.

 

“I hate this,” he cried out loud to no one.

 

His head was started to spin. He flushed the toilet and made to stand up. He found himself unable to do some and collapsed back to the hard cold floor. His heart was racing and he felt like he was going to pass out.

 

“Dad!” he cried in a weak voice.

 

He knew he needed help. He'd been eating but he hadn't been drinking enough. No doubt he thrown up what little fluid he had left in his body.

 

“Dad!” he tried again.

 

No doubt Splinter couldn't hear him. He started to drag himself toward the door. He needed to get some fluid and get back to bed. He barley made it out of the bathroom door. He closed his eyes and collapsed onto the floor.

 

“I'm here Raphael.” he heard his father's voice. “Rest. I'll take care of you.”

 

It was the last thing Raphael heard before he passed out.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Splinter wasted no time in waking his other sons. He would need help getting Raph to bed. Leo gave him a hand lugging his son to his bed. Don ran to get some of their medical supplies. Raph was in heavy need of an IV. The turtle's breathing and heart beat were very light.

 

“What can I do?” Mikey asked as Raph hit his blankets.

 

“We will take turns watching over him,” Splinter said. “If anything goes wrong I don't want him....passing...alone. You will take first watch.”

 

Passing? Mikey's eyes opened wide. His father didn't think his brother was going to last much longer. The idea caused Mikey's blood to run cold.

 

Don rushed into the room with an IV bag and was quickly setting his brother up. Raph gave a little groan as the needle went in.

 

“That's a good sign,” Don explained. “He can still feel things and he's still with us.”

 

“You two go back to sleep,” Splinter said looking at Don and Leo. “You will need your rest.”

 

The two turtles looked reluctant but did leave. Mikey covered his brother up and sat on the edge of the bed.

 

“Please don't die man,” Mikey said. “Not over something stupid like this.”

 

“We can only hope,” Splinter explained sitting down in the only chair in the room. “Raphael is a strong one. Chances are he will pull through.”

 

“Chances?” Mikey asked looking at his brother. “Isn't there more we can do?”

 

“Donatello will keep giving him nutrients through the IV,” Splinter explained. “It really is all we can do.”

 

 

Mikey didn't want to leave his brother's side. He was so scared something was going to happen. He would only switch places with one of his brothers when he became desperate for food or sleep. He had placed his own teddy bear in bed with his brother. Raph looked so small lying there by himself. He knew it was stupid but he hoped the bear would help.

 

On the third day of his vigil Don walked in and place a hand on his shoulder.

 

“You need to eat,” Don explained. “Starving yourself won't help him.”

 

“I'm scared,” Mikey confessed. “I'm scared that if I leave he'll stop breathing.”

 

“I'll call you if anything goes wrong,” Don promised. “I just talked to April. She is on the next plane home. I got a little hell for not calling sooner but...but I didn't want her worry.”

 

“Good,” Mikey said standing up. “I'm going to eat dinner and take a nap. Wake me up in a few hours.”

 

“Of course,” Don said.

 

The orange clad turtle gave his brother a nervous look before leaving the room. Don took his brother's place.

 

“Hey Raph,” he said even though he doubted his brother could hear him. “I wanted to tell you about that secret project I've been working on. I'm been building you a new bike. Really fancy. A built in GPS and phone. Maybe I should have told you before. It was supposed to be a surprise for Christmas. It's in two weeks. I have it all ready for you. I can't shake the feeling that if I had let you in on it you wouldn't have felt so left out around here. Sorry man.”

 

No noise or movement from his brother.

 

“I know you can't hear me bro,” he said. “I don't know why I'm even saying this. I'll have to repeat it for you when you wake but I want you know that I love you. I'm sorry that I let you forget that. Don't you worry. When you wake up we're going to make sure you know that.”

 

 

April arrived first thing the next morning and went right to the lair. She felt so guilty about the whole situation. She should have declined the job. She shouldn't have left the country. Raph was like a brother to her and she had just walked out on him. She couldn't help but feel guilty.

 

When she walked into the lair she found Splinter and Leo talked in the kitchen.

 

“It isn't looking good,” Leo explained. “Raph hasn't moved or made a noise in four days.”

 

“We can't give up Leonardo,” Splinter said. “Just keep thinking positive.”

 

“Is it really that bad?” April asked walking over to the them.

 

“Yes,” Leo said. “Mikey spends every waking minute with him and he is really starting to give up hope.”

 

“Is he in Raphael's room?” April questioned.

 

“Yes,” Splinter said softly with a nod.

 

April walked down to Raphael's room and peeked inside. Mikey was sitting on the bed reading the night before Christmas. Poor Raph was unconscious with an IV in his arm. April sighed and leaned against the door frame.

 

“Hi Mikey,” April said.

 

“Hi,” Mikey said closing the book. “When did you get in?”

 

“I just got here,” April explained walking into the bedroom.

 

She sat down next to Mikey. She could tell the turtle hadn't gotten much sleep. His eyes had bags under them and his eyes were red.

“You need to get some sleep,” April said. “You look like crap.”

 

“I can't sleep,” Mikey said. “Every time my head hits the pillow all I can think about is Raph. I feel so guilty about this whole thing. I must have done something wrong to cause this to happen. Did I make him feel unloved? Did I say something that made him feel fat? I keep thinking but I can't think of anything.”

 

“I feel guilty too,” April said. “I keep thinking the same kind of things. I just think we need to stop worrying about it. It isn't going to make anything any better.”

 

“I hope he wakes me in time for Christmas,” Mikey said looking at Raphael. “I can't image a Christmas morning without him.”

 

“I hope he wakes up soon too,” April said. “I'm staying here until he does. You guys really need the support.”

 

“Thank you.” Mikey said leaning against April. “Can I have a hug?”

 

“Of course,” she said pulling the turtle into a hug.

 

April frowned as she held onto the turtle. She hoped for everyone's sanity that Raph woke up soon.

 


	14. Chapter 14

 

Raph wasn't sure where he was when sound flooded his ears. He could hear his family talking. He could hear crying. He tried to roll over and felt a tug in his arm. He reached down with his other arm and felt an IV in his arm.

 

He blinked a few times and slowly the room came into focus. He closed his eyes and relaxed into his bed. He was in his bed covered up with a blanket. What had happened? The last thing he remembered was passing out on the bathroom floor. How long had he been out?

 

“I don't know,” April's voice flooded his ears. “Poor guy has been out cold for a week. I don't know if he is ever going to wake up.”

 

She was the one crying. It hurt to know he had caused her pain. It also shocked him to know he had been asleep for a week.

 

“Don says not to give up hope,” Mikey said. “Raph's body was pretty messed up. Maybe he needs to sleep.”

 

“All of this because he was worried about his weight,” April said. “I should have taken it more seriously when he came to me for help.”

 

“I don't think any of us really knew what to do,” his youngest brother said. “We were all in the dark.”

 

Raph opened his mouth to speak but only a light cough came out. He took a deep breath before trying again.

 

“Mikey!” he finally called. “Water!”

 

Even though his body was being filled with fluids and nutrients from the IV he really felt like he needed water in his mouth. Mikey jumped up and looked down at his brother in shock.

 

“Water please,” Raph said in a softer voice.

 

“Of course!” Mikey yelled running from the room. “Don! Leo! Splinter! Raph is awake. He's talking.”

 

“How are you feeling?” April asked moving closer to Raph.

 

“Sore,” he answered opening his eyes and looking around the room.

 

“I'm sure you do,” April said. “You pushed your body way too hard.”

 

“I'm sorry I made you guy worry so much,” Raph said. “I didn't mean to hurt anyone.”

 

“I know,” she said placing a comforting hand on his arm. “You aren't too blame for this. You're sick.”

 

“Mikey was right,” the turtle explained. “I wasn't trying hard enough. I was letting everyone baby me because it was easier.”

 

“Everything is going to fine,” April said. “We just need to take this one day at a time. I'm staying here until Christmas. You need me now. Casey is having a really hard time dealing with this but I'm sure he'll come down for Christmas.”

 

“I'm here!” Mikey yelled running in with the water. “Here you go. Don says that he'll be in to take the IV out in the minute. Is your hand sore?”

 

“A little,” Raph admitted taking the water from Mikey.

 

Raph sat up and started drinking the water. The cool water felt so good as it flowed into his mouth and down his throat. He didn't stop drinking until he finished it. He sat the glass on his bedside table.

 

“Anything else?” Mikey asked in an excited voice.

 

“Actual food?” Raph asked. “I'd love a bowl of soup.”

 

Mikey nodded and rushed out of the room. It was then that Raph noticed Mikey's teddy bear in the bed. He picked it up and looked at.

 

“He really has been worried,” April said. “We all I have been.”

 

April looked towards the door to see Don and Leo standing the doorway.

 

“I'll you three alone,” she said. “I'm sure Mikey needs help with that soup.”

 

April slipped out of the room leaving the three brothers alone. Don walked over and sat down next Raph.

 

“Feeling alright?” he asked checking his vitals. “You look a whole lot better.”

 

“Yes,” Raph said. “Thanks for....you know...”

 

“No prob,” Don said removing the IV from Raph's arm. “You were lucky Dad found you when he did.”

 

Raph didn't say anything. He just looked down. He didn't want to meet their eyes. He was too ashamed of causing them pain.

 

“Don't worry about it,” Leo said sitting on the foot of the bed. “All that matters if that you are doing better. You gave us a pretty good scare.”

 

“Splinter,” he said suddendly looking up. “Where is Dad?”

 

“Sleeping,” Don said. “He hasn't been getting much sleep lately.”

 

“We'll tell when you're awake once he has sleep for a few hours,” Leo explained. “He has been pretty worried.”

 

“Can I get up?” Raph asked looking at Don. “I know I just woke up but...I need to get up.”

 

Don frowned looking at him. He knew his brother needed more rest but he also knew he was talking to Raph. Raph wasn't really asking for permission. The turtle always did whatever he wanted. He was just asking because he didn't want anyone to get pissed off.

 

“Sure,” his brother said. “Just take it easy.”

 

Don took the IV supplies and left the room leaving Leo and Raph alone in the room together.

 

“Um...” Leo said as Raph pushed back the blankets. “I don't really know what to say.”

 

“It's alright,” Raph said moving to sit next to his brother. “I don't think anyone knows what to say.”

 

“I...I do love you Raph,” the blue clad turtle said. “I think sometimes I forget to say it.”

 

“Come Leo,” he said shaking head. “No need to get sappy.”

 

“You really scared us,” Leonardo said. “I thought...I thought I might lose you.”

 

“I'm sorry about all of this,” Raph explained. “I didn't mean for it to go this far. I guess I just lost control.”

 

“It's alright,” Leo said pulling his brother in for a hug. “I think things are going to get better from now on.”

 

Raph hoped his brother was right. He knew he still had a long road a head of him but he would get there.

 


	15. Chapter 15

This chapter should have been up last night but I have been seriously sick. I was up with my kid for a few hours this morning but now I am back in bed. Thank god for laptops, so I can still write.

 

 

 

–

 

 

The next week seemed to fly by for Raph. His family smothered him with attention. Was that really what he wanted? He wasn't sure but he did make him feel a little better. Remembering he was loved did make him feel better.

 

Meal time was still beyond stressful. Everything he put down his throat felt like lava. It hurt his throat and stomach. It didn't matter what he ate. It just didn't feel right to have food inside of him. He wanted to purge it up so bad.

 

The whole week he only found himself with his head in the toilet twice. He felt guilty about each time but he was doing much better. Splinter would rub his shoulder and tell him that change didn't happen over night.

 

Splinter put him on the scale on Wednesday and Raph didn't know how to feel when he saw number 215 come up. He had gained fifteen pounds? That made panic grip his heart. How was that possible? He guessed most of it had been gained the week he was out on the IV.

 

Splinter told him that he was doing great and just not to worry. Raph tried but those numbers kept rolling around in his head.

 

By Christmas eve Raph was a mental mess again. He knew he had to have gained weight since Wednesday. He had been eating fairly well. The thought of it made him want to give up.

–

 

April and Casey brought down a tree for Christmas. They always bought the turtles some gifts for Christmas. Mikey, Don, and Leo laid some wrapped gifts under the tree. Raph had been so caught up in his own issues to think about Christmas gifts for his family. Another pang of guilt hit him.

 

Leo, Donnie, April, and Casey headed out of the lair. They were going to go to a movie. Splinter, Mikey and Raph had decided to stay home. Splinter had already turned in to bed early.

 

“Don't worry about it man,” Mikey said when he saw the look on his face. “I'm just happy we're all together for Christmas.

 

That statement didn't really cheer Raph up. It actually scared him. It made it very clear it him that Mikey and perhaps his other brothers thought he was going to die. Perhaps he still would. Would he ever be able to get back to 'healthy' weight or would this sickness control his mind for this rest of his life? Considering how long turtles can live that was a very scary thought.

 

“Are you alright?” Mikey questioned looking at his brother with a worried look.

 

Raph wanted to lie. He wanted to say that everything was fine. Yet, he knew it would be a bad idea. He knew lying wouldn't get him anywhere.

 

“No,” Raph said looking away. “I'm scared. I'm scared of this whole thing.”

 

Mikey moved to Raph's side and wrapped his arms around him. He knew his brother was feeling pain and he would give anything to make it go away.

 

“Can I help?” Mikey asked.

 

“Stay with me,” Raph said letting Mikey crush him in a tight hug. “Just be with me.”

 

–

 

When Raph awoke on Christmas morning he was determined to make it a good day. It was holiday about family and being with the ones you love. He pushed back his blankets and climbed out of bed. He could hear Mikey's excited voice.

 

“Get up!” Mikey yelled.

 

The red clad turtle laughed as he walked out of the bedroom. He was headed to the living room when he ran into Donnie.

 

“Hey,” Don said. “I have your gift in the shop.”

 

“Me?” Raph asked with a curious look.

 

“It's the project I've been working on,” Donnie admitted.

 

“Really?” Raph asked feeling very flattered. “That projects you've been working on for ages?”

 

“Yes,” he said. “I didn't want you to find out. I think you're going to love it. Want to check it out?”

 

“Sure,” the red clad turtle said.

 

The two of them walked into the shop. There was a tarp covered object in the middle of the room. Don walked over and pulled the tarp off. He revealed a new motorcycle. It was sleek, black, and fully loaded.

 

“Wow,” Raph said walking over to it.

 

“Built in GPS, cellphone, I rebuilt the engine, new tires that are slip resistant,” Don started running through the highlights of the new machine.

 

“These is your top secret project?” Raphael asked looking up at him.

 

“I'm sorry I had to hide it for long but I ran into some troubles with it,” the purple clad turtle explained.

 

“It's amazing,” Raph said looking up at his brother. “I love it. I can't wait until I'm feeling better.”

 

Raph surprised himself at the words that came out of his mouth. Did he actually want to get better now? For a second he saw through the fog and saw some hope.

 

“I sure hope you do get better,” Don said putting an arm around his shoulder. “I can't wait to take on the bad guys with you again.”

 

“Do I really look sick?” Raph asked after a moment of silence.

 

“Yea,” Don said. “You're so skinny. It really scares everyone.”

 

“I want to be healthy again,” he said. “I'm just a little scared of gaining weight again but I'll try.”

 

“That's all I can ask,” Don said smiling at his brother. “Don't forget that you have a family that cares for you. Let's join the others. I'm sure Mikey is driving everyone crazy.”

 

Raph nodded and followed his brother out of the shop.

 

–

 

Alright. Not sure I should leave it there or follow Raph's full recovery. It's up to you guys. Happy Holidays everyone!

 


	16. Chapter 16

So I found out that I am still 5 pounds away from my goal weight for recovery. I've managed to gain 15 pounds in nearly 1 year (it will be one year in April) I've fallen off the wagon a few times but I'm doing pretty good now. I just want anyone who is in my shoes to remember this takes time but things do get better.

 

Also I got three new video games from Christmas (Super Paper Mario, My Sims, and Cook, Serve, Delicious!) so they are to blame for my lack of updates.

–

 

 

For the first time Raph did want to get better. He wanted to ride his new bike. He wanted to train with his brothers. He wanted to go out into the city and fight evil. Of course he knew that would require some serious weight gain.

 

Even though he had only gained fifteen pounds it felt like fifty. He felt heavy and slow. Whenever he glanced himself in a mirror he felt disgust. He could see the difference in his body as he ate. He could see every pound as it was put on. At least he thought he could. Maybe he was just losing his mind.

 

He did everything he could to avoid looking at himself. He re-covered the mirror in his bedroom. He brushed his teeth as fast as he could. If he caught sight of his reflection in cups, glasses, or soda bottles he would turn the object or sit in a different way. He couldn't stand seeing the slightest reflection.

 

Splinter could see his son was eating. Raphael was eating whatever was put in front of him, he threw up less and less, and he was gaining weight. Yet, he seemed his mental state was getting worse. His son often looked at his feet and hands. He seemed to want to hide from the world. He seemed to hate himself more with each pound gained. That worried him.

 

He also knew his son was getting anxious about sitting inside the lair all night and day. He knew he needed to get out. It wasn't healthy for him to never see the outside. He decided to ease up on him a bit.

 

He found Raph and Mikey sitting on the couch playing video games.

 

“Raphael if you wish you may go out tonight,” Splinter explained.

 

“Really?” he asked nearly dropping his controller. “Awesome but...what's the catch?”

 

“Pizza and potato chips for dinner,” his father explained. “Two slices of pizza and at least a snack bag of chips.”

 

Raphael frowned pausing his game. He knew it was a good trade. He hadn't had a night out on the town in ages.

 

“Fine,” he finally said unpausing his game.

 

Splinter smiled and walked away. He hoped that letting Raphael out would help him feel better.

–

 

Raphael decided it would have a night out with Don. He owed Don a lot. He was lucky that his brother had medical and science knowledge. Things could have turned out very different him if he didn't. He would get through dinner and then he would ask Don to join him.

 

Dinner. Raphael dreaded the thought of eating what he had agreed to but he didn't have a choice. Raph walked into the kitchen. Mikey, Don, and Leo were already at the table. Raph noticed a plate was already set for him. Two slices of pizza and a small bag of chips with a glass of water.

 

At least he was getting him get away with just drinking water.

 

The turtle tried to hold onto that comforting thought as he sat down at the table. He decided it would best to get the chips out of the way. He tried to focus on getting them down as fast as possible.

 

Don frowned when he saw him shoving the food in. That meant one of two things; Raph was starving or he was just trying to get eating over with. Either way it wasn't a good thing. Eating like that could make him very sick.

 

“Hey,” Don said. “Any plan for tonight Raph?”

 

“Oh,” Raph said lowing his hand that was full of chips. “Splinter gave me the go ahead to hit the town tonight. I was actually wondering if you wanted to join me.”

 

That surprised Don. Raph was always the loner. Why did he want to take him along? Did Splinter say that he had to take someone with him?

 

“Sure,” Don said nodding. “I'm glad you're eating but you really need to slow down. It's going to hurt your stomach.”

 

Leo looked at Don with a surprised look. They had all decided not to point out Raph's eating habits. Raph didn't seem to mind though. He just shrugged and slowed his eating. Raph didn't want to admit it but Donnie was right. The force of the food hitting his stomach did hurt it. It made the urge to purge very intense.

 

He sat the empty bag of chips down on the table and drank some of the water. He frowned when he looked at the pizza. He still had to eat those two slice and his stomach was killing him. His brothers could sense his anxiety.

 

“So what are you and Donnie going to get up to?” Mikey questioned.

 

“Don't know,” Raph said taking a deep breath. “I love the city this time of year. All the snow. It's really...nice looking.”

 

It was the truth. Raph loved New York in the winter. He loved the city lights reflecting off the snow. It was so mesmerizing.

 

“I love it too,” Mikey said. “Central Park is amazing.”

 

Raph nodded. He picked up a slice of pizza and started eating. Maybe they would hit Central Park. Even though he was never able to find a pair of ice skates in his size he had learned how on his bare feet. Of course he didn't think he had ever showed his brothers he knew how. He figured they would make fun of him. After all wasn't ice skating a girl thing?

 

He was so caught up in his thought he didn't realize he had eaten most of his food. He smiled and attacked his last slice of pizza. He was almost there.

 

When he was done with that slice he drank down the rest of his water and stood up.

 

“I'm going to go find some of our winter clothes,” Raph said jumping up from the table.

 

“Good save there,” Leo said looking at Mikey. “You really got him through that.”

 

“Thanks,” Mikey said smiling.

 

It wasn't often that Mikey got something right so he had ever right to proud when he did.

 


	17. Chapter 17

As soon as Raph was inside his room he shut the door. He looked around for something to spit out into. He found a box of tissues half hidden under his bed. He pulled open one of the soft white pieces of paper before spitting a mouthful of food into it.

 

He knew he was cheating but he just couldn't handle it. He had hid most of the pizza in his cheeks. He had swallowed a little when he drank the water but not a lot.

 

Raph balled up the tissue and threw it into his waste basket. Guitly hit him hard but he knew there was no going back.

 

He opened his closet door located his jacket and scarf. He knew if he was warmer he would burn less calories. He really didn't want to lose weight. That would be a fast way to get into trouble. There was no way Splinter would never let him out again if he lost weight.

 

He went out to find Don standing in the living room with a simple scarf on. The purple clad turtle always had an easier time with the cold.

 

“Ready?” Don questioned.

 

“Yep,” Raph answered before they headed out of the sewer.

 

-

 

Don was running ahead of him along the roof tops. Raph was struggling to keep up with him.

 

Raph had insisted they start there. He was sure he was ready. Don had frowned but went along with anyway. He wanted to call out and ask him to slow down but his pride wouldn't allow it. He should be faster. He was the lightest. That had to mean he was the fastest but sadly it didn't. His weight loss had only hurt his speed and ninja skills.

 

Finally Donnie noticed he was leaving his brother in the dust. He stopped at a roof edge and waited for the red clad turtle to catch up.

 

“Need a break,” Donnie said sitting down.

 

“Yea,” Raph said in a tired voice.

 

He knew Don was lying. There was no way he was tired. Raph sat down across from him. The two of them sat in silence for the longest time. After a few minutes Raph realized it was snowing. Small flakes were coming down and landing on his face. He smiled looking up at the clouds.

 

“How you feeling?” Donnie questioned.

 

“Fine,” Raph lied.

 

He wasn't doing fine. His knee, feet, and even his jaw hurt. He was so tired and his heart was racing. He just wanted to curl up and go to sleep.

 

“Don't lie Raph,” the purple clad turtle. “I can tell you aren't doing good.”

 

“I'm fine!” Raph snapped standing up.

 

“No need to get snappy,” Don said in a defensive voice. “I just don't want to you over do yourself.”

 

“I'm grateful for your help Donnie,” Raph said trying to calm down. “I think you....I think you saved my life when I collapsed but I'm better now. I can take care of myself.”

 

“You're still sick,” Don urged. “Look at you. You can barley stand right now.”

 

Raph knew he was right but he hated admitting it. He hated to admit he was weak. He sighed and sat back down.

 

“I'm sorry for seeming like an asshole,” Donnie said. “The fact of the matter is I know better than you right now. This is a science matter; my department. I know your body is really messed up.”

 

The red clad turtle sat in silence as the snow fell around him. Don felt his heart strings being pulled. His brother looked so helpless. It reminded him of a time when they were little ones. Raph had gotten in trouble for breaking one of Sensi's tea cups. He had looked so guitly and helpless. It had been years since Don had thought of that night.

 

Raph suddenly felt the need to throw up. He wrapped his arms around his stomach and lunged forward. Don took a step back as he watched Raph spill his dinner out onto the roof top.

 

When he was done he took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes.

 

“I didn't mean to do that,” Raph said.

 

He was telling the truth. He had never thrown up like that before. He had always had to use his fingers before.

 

“I know,” Don said walking over to him. “I can tell that. I think you're just stressed out. Come on. You wanted to go to Central park didn't you?”

 

“Are you going to tell Splinter?” Raph asked looking at his hands.

 

“No,” Don said. “You're under a lot of stress right now. You didn't want that to happen.”

 

“Thanks,” Raph said. “I'm up for a walk in Central Park.”

 

Slowly the turtles walked off into the snow filled night.

 

–

 

Due to the cold and the snow there weren't many out in Central Park. Don and Raph kept to the shadows and fell silence and still when ever anyone came near.

 

Walking in the park was a little easier for Raph. It had been dumb for him to jump along the roof tops. That took too much energy.

“Can I ask a question?” Don asked.

 

“You just did,” Raph said with a small laugh.

 

“You know what I mean,” Donnie said. “I guess...I'm wondering if you...”

 

Don's words were cut short when he noticed a woman and man fighting a few feet ahead of them.

 

“Get your damn hands off me,” the woman shouted.

 

“You do as I say,” he shouted yanking hard on her arm. “We'll deal with this when we get home.”

 

The woman began to cry heavily and pulled back.

 

“No!” she said. “I'm leaving. I'm going to my mother's.”

 

Don could tell true rage was boiling in that man. He decided his conversation would have to wait. He nudged Raph and drew his attention towards the couple.

 

“I guess we have work to do,” Raph said lunging forward.

 

Nothing like that fighting crime to lift their spirit.

 

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

Not a good day today at all. Feel like checking into the hospital for a few days. I have a check up with my eating disorder specialist Monday so we'll see where it goes from there I guess. I'm trying to avoid it but … well we'll see where it goes.

 

_

 

 

Don and Raph didn't return until after two in the morning. After rescuing the strange lady in the park Raph felt like himself again. It wasn't until they returned that Raph remembered something.

 

“What was it you wanted to ask me?” Raph asked as they slipped into the lair.

 

“What are you talking about?” Don asked.

 

“At the park you wanted to ask me something,” the red clad turtle explained. “You didn't get a chance.”

 

“Oh never mind that,” Don said. “I was just thinking too much.”

 

Raph frowned. He was sure Don wanted to ask him something important.

 

“It's late,” Don said when he saw Raph's worried face. “Tomorrow. I need to sleep.”

 

“Alright,” Raph said nodding. “I'm tired too. See you tomorrow.”

 

Don watched as Raph grabbed an apple on his way to his room. For the first time in ages Raph actually seemed like himself. He made sure all of the light were off before he went to his bedroom.

 

He flicked on the lamp on his bedside table. Don pulled out the drawer and dug through it. He pushed aside his rubbed band collection, a few random pencils, and a booklet on wiring lights. Under all of that he found a small red notebook.

 

The purple clad turtle had wanted to ask Raph a personal question.

 

He flipped open the notebook. The book was his private journal. He feared he would die if one of his brothers read it. It contained all of his deepest thoughts. Luckily his brothers respected his privacy.

 

Don stopped on a page that he had written less than a month ago. He stared at the red ink on the page. There were smuggles all over after if the water had gotten wet. He started reading the words in his head.

 

_I'm so lost. I think something is seriously wrong with Raph. Every day he looks worse. I know he isn't eating right. I hope he isn't throwing up as much anymore. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. Does he know how much I'd miss him? Does he know how much I'd cry? I cry now just thinking about it. I wish I could talk to him but talking to Raph is always hard. Why is he going through this? Was it something I did? Was it something Splinter did or didn't do? I mean...I know he did the best he could._

 

_Is this really about just his weight? I know Raph has always had issues with angry and I know it has a funny way of showing it's self. I feel lost and alone. Is this how Raph feels?_

 

_Should I tell him about my problem? That one had when Leo was gone? Maybe It would make him feel better. I wanted to bring it up tonight but I couldn't. Too ashamed._

 

He snapped the book shut. He couldn't read any more.

 

Raph wasn't the only one of them they had problems. He had manage to keep his private and secret. He knew he needed to bring it up to Raph. Maybe it would make him feel less like a freak. Don knew talking about it would help himself. It would make him feel less tense and maybe he would be able to help Raph more.

 

Don put the book away and lifted his foot. He ran his hand along the bottom. He could feel little scars along the bottom. If his brothers saw them they would assume they were just scars from battles. Of course Don knew what they really were. They were proof that everyone has their little secrets and that everyone feels pain.

 

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

Thank you for your well wishes. I've been in a pretty dark place for a few days now. I'm starting to come out of it now. Just hit a low point. I go up and down like that sometimes. I re-read that last chapter and was like 'wow, pretty dark'. I have to stay strong.

–

 

Raph slept hard that night. Getting out on the town and fighting crime had made him like himself again. He was surprised to find he had slept through breakfast. Usually his father or one of his brother would wake him for breakfast.

 

He climbed out of bed and drifted to the kitchen. It was clear that had eaten breakfast. They were cleaned dishes in the dish drainer. He lifted his head and listened. He could hear them training in the dojo. Raph let out a sad sigh. He couldn't wait until he could return to the dojo. He needed to train. He hoped Splinter didn't keep him away from it too long.

 

He realized his family was actually putting a lot of trust in him. He was being held responsible for making and eating his own breakfast. He hadn't made a real breakfast in ages. He shook his head. Was he ready for that.

 

A search of the refrigerator turned up eggs, bacon, milk, sausage, and ham. Plus there was bread, cereal, and oatmeal. What was he was to make? In the end he decided on a bowl of cereal and some toast with a glass of milk. He wasn't ready to cook on his own.

 

He sat down at the table and began to eat his breakfast.

 

“I told you!” Mikey was laughing. “I've gotten better. I took you down.”

 

“I let you,” Leo's voice reached his ears. “I'm going to go check on Raph. He's supposed to start training today.”

 

Training? Splinter was going to let him back in the Dojo? He couldn't believe his ears. Was Leo being serious? Raph looked up from his food to see Leo walking towards him.

 

“After you're done eating Master Splinter wants to see you,” Leo explained. “I think he is willing to allow a little Dojo time.”

 

He smiled at Raph before heading into the bathroom. Mikey dropped onto the couch and turned on the television. Raph pushed down his food as fast and he could. He wondered if Don had pulled some strings. Besides the throwing up he had done pretty good the night before.

 

Don?

 

He lifted his head and looked around. Where was Don? He hadn't emerged from the Dojo with Mikey and Leo.

 

“Where's Don?” Raph called to Mikey.

 

“Sleeping,” Mikey said. “He told me that he didn't feel good.”

 

That was strange. Isn't wasn't like Don to get sick. Raph debated what to do. Could he go check on his brother or see Splinter? He decided to see Splinter and then go to see Don. If his brother was sleeping there wasn't much he could do for him anyways.

 

The red clad turtle dumped his dishes in the sink before heading into the Dojo. He found Splinter reorganizing weapons.

 

“You wanted me Sensei?” Raph asked.

 

“Yes,” Splinter said turning to face his son. “How did last night go?”

 

Raphael wasn't sure how to answer. Things had gone fairly well. He had gotten sick but it was out of his control. Should he lie?

 

“Pretty good,” Raphael answered.

 

Well, that wasn't really a lie. It had gone pretty good.

 

“Good,” Splinter said. “I'm allowing you ten minutes in the dojo a day.”

 

Ten minutes! To Raph it felt like forever.

 

“Easy going training only,” his father explained. “As I see you recovering I will allow more time.”

 

“Thank you,” the turtle said. “I actually wasn't expecting this right now.”

 

“I think it would do you good,” Splinter explained. “Of course I will ask you eat something extra afterwords.”

 

Raph knew it was fair but thought still made him sick to his stomach. He had just eaten breakfast so he wasn't ready for that.

 

“Can I do it anytime I want?” Raph asked.

 

“Anytime,” Splinter said nodding. “If I catch you doing it more than I said I will take it away. You must remember that.”

 

“Of course not,” Raph said shaking his head. “I just had breakfast so I think I'll wait a little while. I want to go check on Don. Mikey said that he wasn't feeling well.”

 

“You're free to go,” his father said. “Checking on your brother would be nice. Don has seemed out of sorts lately.”

 

Raph bowed slightly before leaving. He couldn't help but feel guilty. He knew his issues would getting to his brothers. It just wasn't fair to do it to them. They didn't deserve it.

 

He walked down to Don's room and knocked on the door. He was half expecting Don to be asleep. Whenever Don was sick he rarely got out of bed. He was surprised to see hear his brother moving around inside.

 

“Who is it?” came Don's voice.

 

“Raph,” Raph said knocking again. “What are you doing in there?”

 

“Sleeping,” Don said even though he didn't sound sleepy.

 

“Can I come in?” the red clad turtle asked.

 

“Sure,” his brother said after a pause.

 

Don didn't really sound like he wanted him to come in. Was he avoiding him? Was the about last night? He could clearly tell that his brother wanted to talk to him about something but had changed his mind at last minute. He couldn't image what was on his mind.

 

He opened the door and peeked inside. Don was sitting under the covers with a few comic laid out in front of him.

 

“Mikey said that you were sick,” Raph explained.

 

“I think I'm getting a cold,” Don explained still looking down at the comics.

 

“Strange,” Raph said sitting in a chair next to the bed. “I got the feeling you were avoiding me.”

 

“What makes you think that?” his brother questioned turning a page.

 

“You wanted to talk about something,” the red clad turtle said. “Last night you were dying to talk about something. It felt important.”

 

Don sighed and pushed all of his comics into a nice pile. He was kicking himself for even mentioning it to Raph. Now the turtle wasn't going to let it go. What had he been thinking? Maybe he could make something up. Would Raph buy that?

 

Perhaps this was his shot to talk about it. Raph wouldn't judge him for his actions. Would he? Would he think he was dramatic? His stomach twisted with worry.

 

“Don,” Raph said gently. “What's going on?”

 

“Nothing,” Don said putting his comic books on his bedside table. “Nothing is happening now.”

 

“Look I won't make you tell me,” Raph said standing up. “But I think it is bullshit that I have open up about my problem while you're hiding things.”

 

“Raph,” Don said before Raph could storm out. “Don't leave like that. I haven't talked to anyone about this.”

 

Raph frowned and sat down on the edge on the bed. He just stared at Don with questioning eyes. He could image what Don was hiding. Don pushed back the blanket and lifted up his foot. Raph looked at the scared surface of his brother's foot.

 

All of the feet were a little messed up. It comes from not being able to wear shoes. Don's feet were the worst. They were covered with white marks. About a year back Don had come home bleeding awful from his feet. He said that he had cut them while dumpster diving.

 

“Remember when I hurt my feet really bad?” he questioned.

 

Raph nodded. He had no idea where his brother was headed.

 

“I told you I hurt it digging in the dump,” he said. “That was a lie.”

 

“Why would you lie about that?” Raph asked. “What really happened?”

 

“I did it,” Don admitted. “I did go dumpster diving. On the way home I sat down and cut my feet. It got out control and I went too deep.”

 

Raph's mouth dropped open. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. His brother had done serious damage to himself.

 

“Why?” the turtle asked in a confused voice. “Was it something you did all the time or was it a one time thing.”

 

“I started doing it when Leo left,” Don admitted lowering his foot. “I guess I felt lost.”

 

That made Raph feel awful. He had gave Don hell for not being careful. If Don had told him about he didn't think he would have been very supportive.

 

“I get I wasn't the most supportive person,” Raph said. “But I'm sure Mikey or Splinter would have been there for you.”

 

“I was scared,” Don said. “I didn't know how anyone would react.”

 

“Are you still...” Raph said unsure how to finish the sentence.

 

“I did last night,” the computer nerd said. “But that was the fist time in months.”

 

“Let me look at it,” the red clad turtle said. “I want to see how it is.”

 

Don pulled up his other foot and held it up. He hissed at the touch. Raph frowned looking at the cut. It looked like it was healing but it didn't look good. It was very red and inflamed.

 

“Why did you do it?” Raph asked. “It looks really painful.”

 

“I guess I was just stressed,” the purple clad turtle said lowering his foot. “I think about things too much.”

 

“You mean me?” the turtle asked.

 

“Maybe,” Don said with a sigh.

 

“Look the two of us should sit down with Splinter,” Raph said. “You should tell him what you're doing. You need help just like me. I'll be right there with you.”

 

“I don't know,” Don said. “Maybe I need some time to think about it.”

 

Raph shook his head. He knew if he let it go on he might be get worse. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happened to Don.

 

“Tonight,” Don said almost begging. “Give me to tonight. I need to think about what I'm going to say.”

 

“Fine,” Raph said standing up. “Want me to bring you some lunch? You need to stay off your foot.”

 

“Thanks Raph,” he said crawling back under the blankets.

 

The red clad turtle nodded before slipping out of the bedroom.

 


	20. Chapter 20

Sorry about the delay. My own issues keep getting in the way.

\--

By the time night came Don was shaking. He didn't want to talk to Splinter. He didn't want to talk about he was going through. He thought about leaving. He thought about taking off to April's place for a few days.

 

He knew he couldn't though. When he had gotten up to go to the bathroom he had taken all of his ninja skills to hide the fact his foot was killing him. Raph kept his promise and didn't come to get him until well until the night.

 

It was eight o'clock when he heard the knock on his door. He jumped slightly and looked away from the door. When he didn't answer there was another knock.

 

“Come on Don,” Raph said. “Splinter is out here. If you're awake answer me.”

 

“Come in,” the purple clad turtle said in a soft voice.

 

The door opened slowly. Don felt like his heart was going to explode when Splinter and Raphael entered the room. Splinter had a curious look on his face but he didn't look angry. He sat down on the edge of Don's bed. Raph sat in the chair in the room.

 

“Raphael has come to me with some concern,” Splinter explained. “He told me very little. He thinks you are...hurting yourself. Would you care to explain a little?”

 

Don didn't say anything. He was scared if he made a noise he would break out in tears.

 

“It's alright,” Raphael said. “I was scared when I told him about my eating problem. You'll feel better once you let it out.”

 

“I do hurt myself,” Don managed to speak. “I used to do it a lot but when Leo came home I stopped. I guess I've been stressed out so I...I did it again.”

 

“You physically hurt yourself?” his father asked. “I do not understand.”

 

Don felt tears filling his eyes. He lifted his foot and brought the freshly cut one into his father's view. Splinter's eyes widened at the sight. He looked scared. He blinked a few times before looking up at Don's face. There was no anger there. Only worry and shock.

 

“Let me look,” Splinter said.

 

He moved closer and took his son's foot into his hand. Don winced as his father's fingers moved along the cut.

 

“It is deep,” his father said. “Very. It does not look infected. We'll have to see with time. I see many old scars here. I see. Raphael and you are having serious problems and it has shown it's self two different ways.”

 

He released Don's foot and allowed him to pull it back.

 

“Yours started when Leonardo left,” Splinter explained. “Raphael's problem started when Leonard came home. I see. I should have talked to you boys more.”

 

“You aren't to blame father,” Raphael explained.

 

“Where is the knife?” Splinter asked suddenly looking around the room. “Or whatever it is you are using.”

 

Don slipped his hand between his mattress and came up with a broken piece of blade. Splinter realized it was one of Leonard's broken Katanas. He felt his whiskers twitch at the sight of dry blood on the blade.

 

“I'm sorry,” Don said in a broken voice.

 

“Don't apologize,” Splinter said looking at his son with a soft face. “You are not in trouble. You are sick just like your brother. Whenever you feel the urge to do this you must come to me or one of your brothers. We will help you through it.”

 

“I will,” Don said.

 

“Then we are done here,” Splinter said standing up. “Come along Raphael. Time to get weighed.”

 

Raphael sighed but got to his feet. He started to follow his father out of the room. He glanced over his shoulder and found Don giving him a very grateful look.

 

-

 

Raphael followed Sensei to the mediation room. He wasn't happy about getting weighing. He didn't want to hear that he had lost or gained weight. Either way it would put him in a grumpy mood. He had only been gaining weight since recovery started. He knew if he lost weight Splinter would be disappointed in him.

 

Splinter sat the scale down on the floor and watched as Raphael stood on it. The turtles eyes opened in surprised 210. He had lost weight. How was that possible?

 

“I swear I've been good,” Raphael said. “I eat three times a day and I made sure to have a snack after I worked out.”

 

“I know,” Splinter said. “You're body has been through a lot. It will take time for your body to adjust.”

 

Raphael frowned and stared at the number. He was happy that he hadn't gained weight but he didn't want to disappoint Splinter. Splinter didn't seem disappointed though. He seemed to understand why he had lost weight.

 

“I'm not upset Raphael,” he said when he saw the frown on his son's face. “You are trying. I know that.”

 

The turtle felt a stab of guilt. He hadn't finished the pizza he had promised he would. He had thrown up during his night out. He wasn't trying. He wasn't trying at all. No wonder Don was hurting himself. No doubt Raph was driving him out of his mind. He let out a sigh as he stepped off the scale.

 

“You are still ten pounds heavier than you were better,” Splinter said. “And more importantly you want to get better. You are doing much better my son.”

 

“I suppose you're right,” Raphael finally admitted. “I'm not feeling too well. I'm going to head to bed.”

 

Splinter nodded giving Raphael the OK to leave the room. Raphael wasn't lying. He didn't feel well. He felt like he was coming down with a flu. His body ached. Just what he needed. He didn't need to get sick. He needed to focus on gaining weight.

 


	21. Chapter 21

 

Alright. I've been struggling with this for ages. I've tried to write a new chapter for this about five times and have just deleted it because it just didn't feel right. I really haven't planned this story out at all. I'm really just playing it chapter to chapter. I wonder if anyone will even read this anymore. Oh well. Here we go.

 

\--

 

 Splinter struggled to sleep that night. All he could think about was his children. Donatello was cutting himself to ribbons and Raphael was struggling with eating. The poor boy was trying to gain weight but his body was extremely stressed. Did Leonardo and Michelangelo have hidden issues as well? He hoped not. He didn't really know if he could handle more.

He had taken the broken blade and placed it in his bedroom. He would get rid of it in the morning. It was leaning against the wall. Splinter couldn't help but glancing in it's direction. He could see the dry blood on the blade. It killed him to know that it was his son's blood. 

That was it. He couldn't sleep while worrying about his sons. He would check on them and that would help him sleep. He pushed back the blankets and climbed out of bed. He slipped on his robe on and walked out into the lair. 

The lair was quiet and dark around him. Everyone seemed to be sleeping. He headed down to their bedrooms. Raph's room was first.

He pushed opened the door and looked in on his trouble son. The turtle was lying in bed curled up tightly in his blankets. He seemed to be cold. His body was shaking slightly. Splinter walked fully into the room and fetched an extra blanket from the closet. He covered Raphael up and tucked him in. The turtle gave a happy grunt. No doubt the turtle was going to have trouble maintaining his body temperature until he gained some more weight. Splinter smiled to himself and walked out of the room. He made sure to close the door behind him.

Donatello was next. He opened the door and found Donatello asleep as well. He wasn't covered up. His blankets lay forgotten on the floor. Two technical books were lying on the bed next to him. He looked comfortable but Splinter guessed he was cold. He picked up the books and placed them on the bedside table. He picked up one of the blankets and shook it off. He laid it over his son and touched his head gently. He was so worried about him. He could check on his cut in the morning to see how it doing. He decided to let him rest and left the room.

Michelangelo's room was next. Splinter opened the door with a little effort. Every inch of Mikey's room was covered with comics, toys, a couple winter hats, and candy wrappers. The rat grumbled to himself looking around the room. It was in need of a good cleaning. His youngest son was asleep in bed under a few blankets. Splinter didn't dare try pushing through the mess. He simply closed the door and kept walking. 

Leonardo was last. Splinter opened the door and was surprised to see his oldest son was awake. He was sitting up in bed reading a book. He glanced up when Splinter walked into the room.

"Hi," Leo said looking back down at the book.

"Trouble sleeping?" Splinter asked walking into the room.

"A little," the turtle said closing his book. "Can't stop thinking about everything."

"I take it you mean Raphael and Donatello," the rat sat sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Of course Splinter had told Michelangelo and Leonardo what was going on with Donatello. They couldn't help if no one knew.

"Yes," the blue clad turtle said. "I'm scared Donatello might do something. I mean...he is already hurting himself what if he...finishes it?"

"I think your brother wants help," he explained. "I will keep a close eye on him. We all need to. I don't believe he will kill himself. He seemed very ashamed when he talked to me about it but I believe he wants to stop."

"I guess," Leonardo said letting out a sigh. "So much is going on right now. Raph seems to be doing a little better but I'm still worried."

"He is," Splinter said. "He wants to get better but is still struggling."

"Will his problem ever go away all the way?" Leonardo asked.

For the first time Leonardo looked up at Splinter. His son's eye were full of worry and sadness. He looked like he was on the verge of tears. 

"Perhaps we need to get out of the city," Splinter said. "A nice vaction might do us good."

"The farm house?" Leonardo asked. 

"Yes," Splinter said. "I think it might do us some good."

"I think it is a good idea," Leo said nodding. 

A few tears leaked out of the corner's of Leo's eyes. Splinter reached for a box of tissues on the bedside table. He handed them to Leo. The turtle took the box and quickly cleaned his face.

"Don't be ashamed of crying," the rat explained. "You're worried about your brothers. There is nothing to be ashamed of."

"I know," Leo said getting a hold of his crying. 

"Get some sleep," Splinter said standing up. "We'll head out tomorrow."

Leo nodded putting the tissues back on the bedside table. Splinter gave his son a worried look as he headed out of the room. He really hoped a vacation would do the whole family some good. 

 

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

I struggle with my self harm and eating disorder everyday. Writing about it makes me feel better so I will be finishing this. I plan on writing a Sherlock Holmes story that deals with eating disorders as well. I plan on writing another TMNT where Mikey deals with an eating issue and I'd love to write one that is just around depression.

 

I'm also in the process of writing a much lighter story where Leonardo meets a girl. I promise it will be worth reading. I doubt any of them will be connected together.

\--

 

 

The ride out to the farm was a very tense one. They headed out first thing that morning. Splinter didn't want to put it off. Everyone pretended everything was perfect but Splinter knew too well that it was an act.

 

Leonardo and Michelangelo were looking through a comic book together. Raphael and Donatello were reading the manual to Raph's new bike. Don wanted to make sure that Raph knew what he was doing with it. It seemed like a complex machine.

 

Leonardo's eyes were still red and swollen. No doubt he had fallen back into crying after Splinter had left him. Donatello was marking sure not to put any weight on his hurt foot. No doubt it was still sore. Raphael still looked so sickly thin. It looked as if it was taking all the energy he had to sit up in the van that long. He hadn't had much of a breakfast before they left.

 

Then there was Mikey. He looked the most normal out of the turtles. Yet, Splinter could see worry in his normally happy eyes. There were things the young turtle wanted to say but he could not find the words. No doubt he just wanted to pretend that nothing wrong was happening.

 

Then there was Casey. Before they left the lair Raph had called and almost begged him to come along. No doubt Raph wanted his best friend to be there for him. Casey hadn't been around much. No doubt he was a bit put off by all the drama going on in the their home. He seemed unsure of what to say and how to react. Yet, when Raph reached out to him he agreed to come right away.

 

Splinter over heard Raphael telling him about Don's self harming as well. Casey and Don were fairly close as well. Splinter guessed he wanted Casey to know about it so he would be there for that turtle as well.

 

Casey was driving and kept looking over his shoulder at them. He had worried look on his face and sad eyes. Splinter hoped he would get a chance to talk to the man while they were gone. Casey didn't give the best advice sometimes but he was a very good listener.

 

It seemed like forever before they reached the old farm. Splinter couldn't help but smile when he saw it. Snow coated the ground around it, it looked so calm and welcoming. He loved sitting outside at night and looking up at the stars.

 

He climbed out of the van first and helped Raph down. The turtle didn't argue when his father held out a hand. The red clad turtle needed to eat and lie down. His body felt completely run down.

 

“Go inside, sit, and I'll bring you something to eat as soon as we get settled,” Splinter instructed.

 

Raph nodded without an argument. He walked into the house.

 

“I'll get the heat up and going,” Don said. “Should only take me a minute.”

 

Splinter wanted to argue. He wanted to tell Don to go inside and sit down as well. He didn't really want him on his foot. He knew Casey could work the heating system just fine. He decided against it. He would let Don do that one thing and then he would be forced to sit down. Splinter nodded and Don slowly walked off to handle the furnace.

 

Leonardo and Mikey climbed out of the van carrying some of the food they would need. Casey had the rest in the front seat with him.

 

“I need a hand Splinter,” Casey said from the front seat. “It'll just take a minute.”

 

He nodded to Leo and Mikey to head into the house. Leo gave him a curious look. No doubt Casey just wanted a moment alone with their father and Leo could guess what they wanted to talk about. They headed into the house without a word.

 

Once they were inside Splinter closed the back doors before joining Casey in the front.

 

“I'm sorry I haven't been around,” Casey said first thing.

 

“Don't be,” Splinter said. “I do not blame you. These last months have been very hard.”

 

“How are they doing?” the man questioned.

 

“Raphael is gaining weight. It has gone up and down a bit. His mental state is still very fragile. Donatello is in a very fragile mental state as well. It scares me to think of what he has been doing to himself.”

 

“How are you doing?” Casey asked. “You look like you haven't slept at all.”

 

“I've had a lot on my mind,” the rat explained. “It's very hard to know the right to do.”

 

“You're doing great,” Casey said. “I think getting them out of the city was the right thing. Maybe the open air and quiet will do them some good.”

 

“I feel I am not doing enough,” Splinter explained. “I try everything I can think of but nothing seems good enough.”

 

“You're in a hard place,” the man said. “You're a single dad. You can't even take them to get therapy. You're doing the best you can. I'll help in anyway I can.”

 

“I wonder...” Splinter said looking into the distance through the window. “If I wonder if things would have been different if they had a mother.”

 

“Maybe,” Casey said with a shrug. “I'm sure if you could have you would have provided them with one but you really couldn't.”

 

“I know,” Splinter said closing his eyes. “I just wonder if I'm able to give them the parenting they deserve and need.”

 

“You're doing great,” Casey said. “Don't attack yourself over this. I think you are an amazing father.”

 

“Thank you Casey,” he said smiling and opening his eyes. “I needed to hear that.”

 

Without another word the two of them go out of the van and headed into the house.

 

–

 

Once he was in the house Mikey made a peanut butter sandwich and brought it to Raph. Leonardo headed down to the basement to give Don a hand.

 

Raphael was sitting in the living room watching television. Raph smiled at the sight of the sandwich. He loved peanut butter.

 

“How you doing?” Raphael asked.

 

“Me?” Mikey asked. “Fine. Why?”

 

“I know you must be stressed out by everything that is going on,” Raph said. “I can see Leo has been crying.”

 

“Has he?” Mikey asked as if he hadn't noticed.

 

“Don't play stupid,” Raph said rolling his eyes. “You must have noticed.”

 

“I guess I did,” Mikey said with a shrug of his shoulders.

 

Raph could tell Mikey didn't really want to talk about it. He kept glancing over to the side. Raph decided to drop the subject.

 

“I bet you can't wait to play in the snow,” the red clad turtle said.

 

“Of course,” Mikey said lighting up. “I hope you feel well enough to make a snowman with me later.”

 

“Tomorrow we will,” Raph promised. “The trip was kind of hard on me.”

 

“Alright,” the orange clad turtle said. “I'm going to see if Casey is up for a snow ball fight.”

 

Raph laughed a bit as Mikey ran out of the room calling Casey. It sure didn't take much to get his brother happy.

 


	23. Chapter 23

I'm sorry if I made it sound like I was ending this right off. I still need a few chapters to wrap it up. I just my readers to know I was still planning lots of stories. I love writing. It is the only thing that gets me through some days. I plan on updating chapters to this story and my others stories that have been caught in limbo at least once a week.

 

Thanks for the reviews. I really feel bad for Splinter sometimes well. Poor guy is really doing the best he can.

–

 

It didn't take Don long to get the furnace up and running. It would take the old house a little while to warm up. Next he made sure the water was turned on and that all the pipes were in working order. He was very happy when Leo came down to join him. His foot was killing him and he needed the extra help.

 

“How's your foot?” Leo questioned as the two of them finished up.

 

“Hurts like hell,” he said. “I have some numbing cream in my bag. I'll tend to it in a minute.”

 

Don let out a sigh and sat down on one of the old chairs in the basement. He put his feet up on an old crate. He would rest a minute before he headed back upstairs. He half hoped that Leo would head upstairs without him. He sort of wanted to be alone.

 

Yet, part of him wanted Leonardo there. He wanted Leo to give him words of comfort. At least the wanted to him there beside him.

 

Leo sensed Don's depressed mood and walked over next to him. He sat down in an empty chair next to him and looked at him with curious eyes.

 

“You aren't to blame you know,” Don finally said.

 

“What?” Leo said a bit caught off guard.

 

“I don't want you to blame yourself for my....cutting,” Don explained. “It's my problem.”

 

“Oh,” Leo said softly. “I wish I had been there to help at least.”

 

“I wish I had never started,” the purple clad turtle explained. “I would do anything to take it back.”

 

Leo was unsure of what to say. His brother looked so sad. His eyes were down cast and he was hunched forward.

 

“I'll always be there for you Donnie,” Leo promised. “I want you to know that. Whenever you think about...doing that come to me.”

 

Don wasn't sure what to say. He knew that if Leo wasn't with him he would be cutting himself. Even though his foot hurt it was healing well. His need to cut would get worse until he finally gave in to it. He felt so helpless. He wanted to help Raph and there was nothing he could do. That feeling of helplessness was driving his urge to cut.

 

It was as if a little nymph was sitting on his shoulder and whispering in his ear. After all a while that voice would get too loud to ignore. He had only managed to stop cutting before by distracting himself. It was a hard battle to fight alone. Leo's return had helped a lot.

 

“You want to now don't you?” Leo questioned.

 

Leonardo had a hard time with that. His brother was limping and clearly in pain. How could he already be ready to do more damage?

 

“Yes,” Don admitted in a shame filled voice.

 

“I'm sorry you're going through this,” Leonardo said placing a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder. “I think once Raphael gets better everything will return to normal around here.”

 

“I'm scared he'll never get better,” Donatello admitted. “I mean...he is already doing better. I know he wants to get better but I'm scared he'll never be the old Raph.”

 

“I see more of the old Raph all the time,” Leo said. “His body just needs time to heal. Once that part is over he'll really start to come around.”

 

“Splinter isn't taking any of this well,” Don said. “Raph and I need to get better for his sake as well as ours. He looks so stressed out all the time. I know he isn't sleeping well.”

 

Leonardo knew his brother was right. His father needed a break from the stress.

 

“Boys!” Splinter's voice called them from the top of the stairs. “Need any help?”

 

“No,” Leo called. “Everything is done. We're just resting.”

 

“Michelangelo is out playing if you want to join him Leonardo,” Splinter said. “I believe Casey needs a little backup.”

 

“I guess we better go back up,” Leo said as he heard his father walking away.

 

“I guess so,” Don said. “I'm supposed to be resting. I know he'll keep a good eye on me.”

 

The two of them headed up stairs. Don's foot felt a lot better due to his rest. He really didn't want to sit around but he knew Splinter would make him.

 

When they reached the first floor Leo headed off outside. Don gave a sigh and walked into the living room.

 

He was happy to find Raph awake and on the couch. At least he wouldn't be alone. He sat down next to his brother. Raph's eyes were on the television but he didn't seem to actually be watching it.

 

“Bored?” Don questioned.

 

“A little,” Raph said yawning. “It's so hard to sit and do nothing. I'm hoping Splinter will let me go outside after dinner.”

 

“He might,” The purple clad turtle said. “I mean...you're doing really good.”

 

“I just wish I had someone to talk to,” Raphael admitted.

 

“You have me,” Don said feeling a little hurt.

 

He had hoped that Raphael knew he could talk to him about anything.

 

“I know,” the red clad turtle said. “I just wish I had an objective third party to talk. I know I can talk you but....I guess there are some things that are just private.”

 

Don could understand that. He gave a silent nod. He was too ashamed to talk about his private issues with his family as well. The two fell into a comfortable silence and focused on the television.

 

-

 

Raphael ate his dinner of fried chicken, rice, and carrots without an argument. It hurt his stomach and made him want to purge but he was determined to please his father. Splinter had allowed him to eat in the kitchen with just him. It still bothered him to be watched while he ate.

 

“Can I go out?” Raph asked as he showed Splinter his empty plate. “Just a few minutes.”

 

“Put on your coat and hat,” Splinter said. “Fifteen minutes. You can go by yourself if you wish.”

 

Being allowed out by himself was a big deal. It meant Splinter trusted him not to purge.

 

Raphael wasted no time pulling on his jacket and hat. He quickly darted out into the dark night. It must have snowed a bit during dinner because there was a fresh coating of snow on the ground.

 

He stayed close to the house as he walked around it. It was so pretty there at night. The lights that were on the house shown through the winter and out onto the snow. The moon was nearly full and lite up the dark night.

 

Raph was jerked out of his thoughts of the snow when he heard a light crunching noise. Something was walking in the snow. He jerked his head around looking for the source of the noise. It seemed to be coming from the barn.

 

He took a few steps towards the noise. It was a bit louder but still a quiet noise. The source of the noise was retreating back into the barn. The door was broken and barley hung on his hinges. The bottom of it was completely gone.

 

The red clad turtle opened the door and smiled when he saw the source of the noise.

 

“Well, I'll be damned,” he said kneeling down.

 

He pulled off his hat and threw it over the small creature. He pulled the hat close to his chest.

 

“Don't worry little man,” he said. “I'm going to take care of you.”

 


	24. Chapter 24

I have my own laptop again! Yes. I’ve been using my kid’s laptop for over a year now. I can actually write now. I feel so good.

-

Raph couldn’t believe what he had found. He had rescued a small white kitten from the cold. The poor thing looked half starved. When Raphael wrapped the small creature in his arms he knew he had found a friend for life.

Rebel quickly became a part of the family. His brother almost never allowed the poor cat to walk. She was always getting held. Splinter wasn’t too sure about the little ball of fluff. He kept his distance from the small cat. He knew it was silly but something about the cat made him nervous.

Over the next few days little Rebel found her strength. It wasn’t long before she was wondering around and watching the members of the household.

At first taking care of her took Raphael’s mind off his weight. He would eat whatever was brought to him if it meant he got to hold Rebel again. Once Rebel found her feet she didn’t need Raphael as much. The turtle was happy to see her feeling better but part of him messed caring for her.

On the fourth night Raphael fell asleep in one of the chairs in the living room. Rebel didn’t wait long before jumping out of the chair. She carefully made her way upstairs. She made a little yelp noise as jumped up the stairs.

She walked down the hallway to Donotello’s room. She began to paw at the door and cry. After a moment Donotello opened the door.

“Hello Rebel,” Don said allowing the animal in.

Rebel walked through the door and tried to jump onto Don’s bed. The cat couldn’t quite pull herself up. She gave a yelp as she landed on the floor.

“You’re still tiny,” Don said picking up the kitten.

He placed the little one on the bed. He went back to lock the door before sitting on the bed. Rebel curled up in a ball and began to watch the turtle.

“Not sure if you want to be here for this,” Don said digging through his bedside dresser.

The kitten watched as the turtle removed a razor blade. He lifted up his foot and brought the blade towards his foot. The cat cried out causing Don to look up. The kitten was looking at him with wide eyes. Don shook his head and focused on the razor.

He knew he had to be careful when he cut. He didn’t want to go through an important artery. He pressed the blade into foot. He didn’t even whimper as the blade cut through the skin. The cat gave another low cry.

Don ignored the kitten as he pressed the blade in deeper. The blood began flow over the metal. Don gave a little cry as he pulled the blade free. Blood flowed down his foot and onto the sheets. Don frowned watching the white sheets turn red.

He wasn’t worried about someone seeing the sheets. He had gotten very good at getting blood out of sheets. He would soak it in the bathroom tub before it dried.

Don felt very strange about cutting in front of the cat. It was staring at him and watching his every move. He took a deep breathing looking down at the cut. What the hell was he doing? He had no reason to do it. What the hell was wrong with him?

He pressed a paper towel to the cut to help the bleeding. The cat got to her feet and walked over to the turtle. She began to rub up against Don’s foot. Little speckles of blood stuck to the white cat’s fur. Don frowned as he watched the cat’s fur become streaked with blood.

“What’s wrong me?” Don asked out loud.

The cat jumped down from the bed and ran to the front door. She began to claw at the door.

“Come on Rebel,” Don said. “You just came in here.”

Rebel began to cry and scratched harder. Don cried out as he got to his feet. He didn’t really want to let the cat out. He needed to get the blood out before someone saw. Everyone thought he was doing so well. He didn’t want to let them down.

Of course he knew they would find out sooner or later. He placed the bloody paper towel on the bedside table. He got to his feet and limped off to the door. He left a light trail of blood on the floor. He opened the door but the cat didn’t leave.

“Come on Rebel,” Don said weakly. “What do you want?”

Rebel took a few steps and looked back at Don.

“You know I’m hurt don’t you?” Don said. “I’m fine Rebel.”

Rebel sat down on the floor and began to cry loudly.

“Rebel no!” Don said looking around. “I don’t need help.”

Don wasn’t surprised to see Leo peeking out of his room. Rebel quickly ran over in his direction. Leo picked up the cat and stared at the blood stains.

“This is your blood isn’t it?” Leo asked looking up.

“Yes,” Don admitted. “I’m fine but I think it freaked Rebel out.”

“This is a lot of blood,” Leonardo said. “Can I please look at it?”

“I swear it isn’t that bad,” Don said. “I’ve cut a lot worse before.”

“Don that isn’t the point,” the blue clad turtle said petting the kitten. “Dad is really worried about you. He thinks you’re really going to hurt yourself.”

“I know what I’m doing,” Don said. “Please take care of the kitten. It needs to be cleaned. I don’t want Raph to see her like that.”

“I have to tell Splinter you know,” Leo said as his brother turned his back. “He’ll kill me if I don’t and he finds out about it.”

“I know,” Don said before disappearing into his room.

-

Don waited some time before taking the sheet to bathroom. It was pretty well dried and he knew he was going to have a hard time getting it out. He locked the door behind him and began to fill the tub with water. He threw the blanket into the water.

Despite having enough time to dry a large amount of the blood began to run in with the water. Don frowned as he watched the water turn red.

He didn’t blame his family was being worried. What he was doing was dangerous after all. Why did he feel the need to do it? Why did it make him feel better each time he did it? The relief didn’t last long but there was still relief.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he almost didn’t hear the knocking at the door.

“I’m in here!” Don called out.

“I know,” Raphael’s voice came. “I saw Leo trying to wash my cat. Poor guy is lucky Rebel is still small. I thought she was going to scratch his eyes out. The noise woke me up.”

Don turned off the water and opened the door. Raphael pushed into the room and looked into the bathroom. He gasp at the sight of all the blood.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Don said dumping some soap into the water. “The blood is running with the water.”

“Leo is telling Splinter,” Raph explained shaking his head. “I’m sure he’ll speak to you at some point.”

Don frowned at the thought. He didn’t want to deal with his Dad.

“I have to let this soak,” Don said trying to get out of the bathroom. “The blood will be come out with a little work.”

“Don’t run,” Raphael said as his brother pushed out of the bathroom. “I’m screwed up too. You don’t have to be embarrassed with me.”

“I am not embarrassed,” Don said walking into his room. “I just don’t want anyone’s help. I can work through this.”

Raph was right behind him. Donatello tried to shut the door but his brother got in the way.

“Don’t do this,” his red clad turtle said. “You want help. You’re just ashamed. I know how you feel.”

Don frowned. He knew that was true. Raphael was dealing with his eating disorder. He seemed to be doing better with everyone else’s help.

“Do you want to get better?” Donnie asked. “Or are you just doing it because of pressure to get better?”

“Of course I want to get better,” the turtle said. “I don’t want to worry about my weight or everything I eat all the time.”

Don frowned and backed away from the door. Perhaps accepting help wouldn’t be that bad. After all his family was being very supportive.

The turtle walked over to the bed and sat down. He needed to get off his foot anyways. It was so sore. It felt like someone had shoved glass into the tender skin.

“What was going on in your head tonight when you did that?” Raph asked walking fully into the room.

“I don’t know,” Don said. “I guess I just felt tense. It helps me relax.”

“I know how that feels,” Raphael said. “I know this kind of thing is tempting but we both have to be strong. You don’t need to do this by yourself.”

Don fell asleep as Raph left the room. His brother closed the door behind him. The purple clad turtle frowned looking down at his foot. He knew his brother was right. He had to get this under control and he needed his family for it.

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

Donatello felt strange about the whole thing. He felt guilty accepting help. To him the whole thing didn’t make any sense. He shouldn’t get relief from causing himself physical harm. It didn’t make sense. Pain was a bad thing. Wasn’t it?

Splinter decided the best course of action was to move Don in with one of his brothers. He didn’t want to take away his freedom but he knew Don needed to be watched. He needed to have one of his brothers close with him.

He decided that Raphael was the best choice. Both of them had issues and they both needed support. Perhaps they could lean on each other for support. Splinter made it clear to Don that he wasn’t being punished. He needed support and that was the best way that Splinter could give it to him.

Leonardo and Mikey helped Donatello move his bed into Raph’s room. Raph didn’t seem to mind the idea of sharing a room with his brother. The two of them had grown apart of the years.

Little Rebel didn’t want anything to do with it. The loud talking and sound of moving furniture sent her hiding under Raph’s bed. The kitten cried out and shook her head back and forth. Leo gave a little chuckle at the creature.

“Sorry Rebel,” Mikey said pushing the bed into place.

Once the bed was in place Rebel ran out and jumped onto the clean sheets. She began to rub against them. Donatello was sitting on Raph’s bed and not making a noise. Leo gave his brother and worried look before leaving the room. He knew Mikey wanted to talk to him. The youngest turtle was the most worried about his brother’s health.

“Are you suicidal?” Mikey questioned.

“What?” Don asked in a shocked voice.

“I mean…do you want to kill yourself?” the orange clad turtle asked.

“No,” Don said shaking his head. “No way. If I wanted to do that I would have done it already.”

That didn’t seem to ease Mikey’s worries. He sighed and sat down on Don’s bed next to the kitten.

“I know I have a problem,” Don said looking at his brother. “I am trying. It’s just really difficult.”

Mikey looked like he wanted to say more but no words came out. He started petting the kitten and fell silent.

“Mikey!” Leo called. “Come on. It’s still bright enough out to build a snowman.”

Mikey didn’t anything else but he did smile. His brothers always knew how to make him happy. He jumped up and raced out of the room. Don sighed looking around the empty room. It was pretty clear it was Raph’s room. There was a pile of motorcycle magazines in the corner and trash surrounding the trashcan.

Don shook his head and stood up. He started picking up the trash and putting it in the trash can. Raph was always such a slob. The purple clad turtle stopped when he found several candy wrappers. He unfolded them and read the label.

There were wrappers from five full size Hershey bars on the floor. Don raised an eyebrow at the mess. Splinter was carefully watching what Raph was watching. Hershey bars were something he wouldn’t have given him. Something about the cholate bars always made the temperamental turtle sick to his stomach.

“What are you doing?” Raph’s voice filled his ears.

“Picking up,” Don said tossing the wrappers away. “What’s with the candy?”

Don looked over his shoulder at his brother. He watched Raph walked across the room, shut, and lock the door.

“It helps me purge,” Raph admitted sitting down his bed.

“What?” Don asked in a shocked voice. “I thought you were over that.”

“You shouldn’t throw stones Don,” Raph said. “I purged this morning twice. Just today.”

“Did you tell Splinter?” the tech nerd asked.

“No,” Raph said shaking his head. “I will tonight. I have a weigh in.”

“Does he get mad when you slip up?” the turtle questioned.

“Not really,” Raph said with a shrug. “He’s proud when I made progress and understanding when I screw up.”

There a knock on the bedroom door. Raph went to the door and opened. He wasn’t surprised to see his father standing there.

“Come along,” Splinter said.

Raphael didn’t say a word as he followed his father out of the room. The two of them walked into Splinter’s room. The rat closed and locked the door behind them.

“You seem to be doing much better,” Splinter said fetching the scale. “Anything you want to talk to me about?”

“I purged twice today,” Raphael admitted. “It’s the first time in ages.”

“What do you think caused that?” his father questioned placing the scale on the floor.

“I guess this whole thing is very overwhelming,” the turtle said. “Finding Rebel helped a lot but I guess I just broke today.”

“Why did you not reach out to me?” the rat asked.

“I knew you were worried about Don,” he explained. “I guess I didn’t want to overwhelm you.”

“Please don’t be afraid of that,” Splinter said with a chuckle. “I can handle a lot. I’m here for you anytime not matter what.”

Raphael knew that was true. He knew he should have gone to his father. He said nothing else as he stepped onto the scale. His eyes open wide in surprise. 215. He had managed to gain five pounds in a short time.

“Very good,” Splinter said nodding. “I know you have bad days but you are getting better. I’m hoping you can help Donatello.”

“He wants to stop hurting himself,” Raph said stepping off the scale. “I can see that. He just feels lost. He seems to carrying a lot around.”

“I hope sharing a room will help you two,” Splinter said. “You two can lean on each other.”

“I don’t think I need you tending to me all the time anymore,” Raph said. “I want to be in charge of my meals again.”

“You had a bad day today,” Splinter pointed out. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

“Yes,” he said nodding. “I did have a bad day and I’m sure I’ll have them from time to time. I need to take a little control here. I’ll still eat three meals a day with snacks. I promise. I just want to make them on my own.”

“Alright,” his father agreed. “You may. I would like to see your plates before you eat them.”

Raphael felt a smile spread across his face. His father was giving him a little control. That had to mean he was getting better.

“Go get your bedtime snack together,” Splinter instructed. “I’ll be down in a moment.”

When Raphael retired to bed he found Donatello covered up in his bed. He wasn’t asleep but seemed relaxed. Raph climbed into his own bed and glanced over at his brother.

“I can’t sleep,” Don admitted. “I’m so used to cutting before bed now.”

“What stopped you from getting your razor?” the underweight turtle questioned.

“I know Leo took them,” he said with a sigh. “I saw him. Plus Casey took his razor out of the bathroom.”

“Maybe you could try something else?” Raph said.

“What?” Donatello said. “I have a lighter but I don’t think I could burn myself.”

“No!” Raph said shaking his head. “That isn’t what I meant. I meant maybe you could try another way of relaxing.”

“Oh,” Donatello said. “Like what? I tried the breathing exercises Splinter showed us. It isn’t helping though.”

“Maybe you should take a shower and have a little private time,” Raph suggested.

“Private…?” Don asked in a confused voice. “You don’t mean…?”

“We’re teenage boys without girlfriends,” Raph explained. “We all do it.”

Red crept across Don’s face. Maybe Raphael had the right idea. He pushed back the sheets and slipped out of the bed.


	26. Chapter 26

In the waiting room of the hospital as I write this. God between my husband and me were pretty much live here. I can actually write more because I have a computer I can take with me.

\--

The next few days were very difficult. Being in charge of his own meals was very challenging. He had to make sure he got enough calories and covered all his food groups. Splinter always checked it over to make sure it done right. Sometimes he had to help him add or take things away but he tried to let Raphael been in charge.

Pairing Donatello and Raphael together seemed to do the trick. Donatello’s cuts were healing and there weren’t any new ones. He still seemed tense and Splinter heard him walking around during the night but he seemed a bit better.

Mikey, Splinter, and Raphael were sitting in the living room watching televisions one afternoon. Little Rebel lay curled up with Raphael on the couch.

“Don is in the bathroom again,” Casey said sticking his head into the living room. “He is always in there lately.”

“I made sure everything sharp was picked up,” Mikey said. “He’s fine in there.”

“Yes but I need to piss,” Casey said. “What the heck is he doing in there?”

“Relaxing,” Raphael said. “I told him to take a shower to relax. Seems to work for him.”

“Well he is a turtle,” Casey said shaking his head. “Guess he likes water.”

Without another word the human turned and left the room. Rebel jumped up from couch and walked over to Splinter’s chair. The rat looked down at the fluffy cat. Rebel got a running start before jumping into Splinter’s lap. The cat began to purr before settling down in the rat’s lap.

Splinter smiled slightly and gave the cat a few pets. He wasn’t very fond of cats but he did like Rebel. The cat was gentle and well behaved.

“Are we going home soon?” Mikey asked suddenly.

“Why?” Raphael asked. “You in a hurry to get back?”

“It’s my home Raph,” Michelangelo said. “Of course I miss it.”

As much as Splinter loved the quiet of the country he knew his boys would miss the city.

“I know,” Splinter said softly. “We should get ready to go home.”

Raphael frowned at the thought. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to be anywhere near the training Dojo. It was just a reminder of the shape he was in. He knew he would be allowed short times to train but it wasn’t good enough for him. He wanted to be as good as his brother but he wasn’t. Even when he was weight restored he wouldn’t be as good as them.

“What’s wrong?” Mikey asked seeing the change of mood in Raph.

“Nothing,” Raphael said shaking his head. “I guess I’ll go pack.”

Without another word Raph headed up to his room. Splinter and Mikey watched him leave with worried expressions.

Raph walked up to his room and flopped onto the bed. Don was sitting on the dry drying himself off. Casey had finally chased him out of the bathroom.

“What’s wrong with you?” Donatello asked dropping the towel to the bed.

“We’re headed back soon,” the red clad turtle explained. “Mikey is getting home sick.”

“I guess going home would be nice. I take it you don’t want to go back,” Don said.

“No,” the turtle said simply looking down at his pillow.

“Why not?” the purple turtle questioned.

“I have my reason,” the turtle said in a low voice.

“Splinter says that you aren’t supposed to hold things in,” Don explained. “It makes your eating disorder worse.”

“I just don’t want to,” Raph said flinging his pillow at his brother. “I don’t have to tell you anything.”

“Hey!” Don cried as the pillow came in contact with his face. “You don’t have to be a jerk.”

“Why does everyone think they have a right to know what is going on in my head all the time?” the turtle demanded sitting up.

“No one is demanding that,” Donatello said. “We’re just trying to help. I’m in nearly the same boat as you so don’t get angry at me.”

“You have no idea what I’m going through,” Raph began to shout. “I starve myself. I’m not some attention seeking; self-centered cutter.”

Don looked at his brother with a shocked look. He couldn’t believe what had just came out of his mouth. They were both depressed and were just using different methods of dealing with it.

Raph knew he had gone too far. He could see the pain in his brother’s eyes. He could see tears filling the edges trying to spill over.

“I get it,” Don said. “I won’t bother you with my crap anymore.”

Don got to his feet and walked out of the room. Raph wasn’t sure what to do. He wanted to apologize but he couldn’t find the words. He knew he was wrong. He was just stressed.

\--

Don grabbed a jacket out of his room and slipped out of the backdoor. He made sure to be quiet. He didn’t want anyone to see him. He just wanted to be alone.

The tears he was fighting to hold back began to spill out of his eyes as soon as he was outside. Raph’s words had cut deep. Part of him was afraid his brother was right. Was he really just doing this attention?

No. There was no way that was right. He had hide his problem was so long before he reached out for help.

He walked into the old beat up barn. He turned a bucket upside down and sat on it.

For the first time in ages Don left go. He put his head in his hands and began to sob heavily. His shoulders shook and his eyes stung.

He didn’t know how long he sat out in the cold crying. It seemed time stood still in the cold dark night. Moon light was gleaming through the half broken window.

“Don!” Casey’s voice was somewhere in the distance.

Panic hit Don. He didn’t want anyone to see him in that state. They would ask too many questions. He didn’t want to talk about his issues and he didn’t want to get Raph in trouble.

The purple clad turtle jumped to his feet. There was really only one place to go. He looked up at the loft over his head. The ladder was in pretty bad shape but he didn’t have much a choice.

He carefully headed up the ladder and laid down flat in the loft. There was a small window at one end. He looked through the dirty glass.

Casey was walking through the snow calling his name. Leo was right behind him.

“Don!” Casey yelled. “Where are you?”

“Are you sure he isn’t in the house?” Leonardo questioned looking around.

“I checked everywhere,” Casey said. “There isn’t a trace of him.”

Don took a deep breath as they entered the barn.

“Don?” Leo questioned looking around.

“He isn’t here,” the man said with a sigh. “What the heck is going on?”

“I don’t know,” Leonardo said. “He was doing fine. I went to see if he wanted some ice cream and he was gone.”

“Let’s go check the basement again,” Casey said. “Maybe we are just missing him.”

The two of them walked out of the barn and back into the house. Don sighed. He knew he couldn’t hide forever. He would have to face them sooner or later.

He just needed a little more time. He gave a yawn and curled up. Crying had taken a lot out of him. He didn’t to close his eyes for a minute. He wouldn’t fall asleep of course. He would just close his eyes for a minute.


	27. Chapter 27

Raphael didn’t know what to say as his family and friend went insane looking for his brother. He knew Don had run off because of what he had said but he didn’t want to admit it. He knew he would be in major trouble.

“I can’t find him anywhere!” Mikey shouted. “Did anyone check the barn?”

“Casey and I already did an hour ago,” Leo explained.

Raph stood uncomfortably in the hallway watching everyone race back and forth. He looked up to see Splinter standing at the other end of the hall. He was looking at him with a curious look. No doubt he knew he was holding something back.

“Do you have something you need to tell me?” Splinter questioned.

“Don and I had a fight,” Raph admitted. “I called him…I called him names.”

Splinter was normally the most patient person. He was always willing to listen and understanding. Yet, when Raph looked into his eyes he saw anger.

“Raphael,” He said softly. “I understand you are going through something but so is your brother. You need to have more respect. What did you call him?”

“I…I told him...” Raphael mumbled his words unable to get out a full sentence.

“Raphael if you going to act like a child you have to face the consequences,” Splinter said. “What did you say to him?”

“I told him he was being self-centered and dramatic,” Raphael admitted. “I told him he was cutting to get attention. I know it isn’t true. I was angry and shouldn’t have said it.”

“Help look for you brother,” Splinter said. “I am very angry with you but I know we need your help finding him. I’ll deal with you later.”

Raphael felt his heart sink as his father walked away. He had never him so angry before. The turtle knew he had to find Don. He had to make thing rights.

-

Don wasn’t sure how long he slept. When his eyes opened it was still dark outside the barn. His body was already hurting from sleeping on the hard surface. He grumbled and pulled himself into a siting up position.

He knew he had to do inside. He couldn’t leave them worrying about him like that.

Yet, he found himself unable to go inside and face them. He couldn’t stop his thoughts from racing. Did his other brothers thinks he was being dramatic too? Would they be angry with him for hiding so long?

Those thoughts froze him in his tracks. He didn’t want anyone thinking he was being a drama queen. He was his biggest fear.

He couldn’t hear anyone calling him anymore. He could however hear a tiny meow. He stuck his head over the edge of the loft. Little Rebel was sitting at the base of the lot looking up at him. She gave a bit of louder meow.

“Stop it Rebel,” Don warned in a harsh whisper.

The cat stopped meowing and cocked her head to one side. Her small eyes were wide with curiosity. Why did that cat always have the habit of showing up when he was stressed?

Don climbed down the ladder and sat down next to the cat. She began to purr and rub against him. He gave the animal a few pets.

“I don’t know Rebel,” the purple clad turtle said. “Is life really worth living if your own brother thinks you’re an attention whore?”

Don couldn’t believe what he was actually doing. Was he actually talking about suicide to a cat?

No. He couldn’t do that. Raphael would blame himself forever. He knew that would destroy his family. Yet, wasn’t he already doing that? Wasn’t he already destroying his family?

Maybe it would be the right thing to do. His family would miss him for a while but they would get over it. They wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. Would Raph still think of him as an attention whore?

Don placed the cat on the ground and stood up. Rebel looked up at him and let out a loud meow.

“I know what I’m doing Rebel,” Don said walking across the room. “I not stupid. I know this is for the best.”

The cat began to panic. She ran in small circles meowing.

“Stop that,” Don said gently pushing her with his foot.

The cat darted out of the barn. Don felt bad. He doubted he had hurt the cat but guilt still gripped his heart. What the hell had he turned into?

He began digging through one of the tool boxes in the barn. Don and Raph often spent time there working on project so it was full of tools.

He found a box cutter and held it up. It was the sharpest thing he had ever thought about cutting with.

Don hoped that his brothers wouldn’t look in the barn again. He hoped that the cat wouldn’t led them there. If they didn’t bother to check again until morning he would be long gone.

He climbed the stairs up to the loft and settled down. He pulled up the sleeve on his jacket and stared down at the green skin. Panic gripped him and his heart began to race.

The turtle brought the blade to his wrist and pushed in. He gave a cry as the sharp edge cut through the sin. Blood began to flow over the blade.

Don dropped the bloody tool to the floor and began to cry again. He hoped the pain wouldn’t last long. It was stinging and burning. He hoped he had managed to get a main artery.

That’s when he heard it. It was Rebel screaming in the night. Had she gotten his family? Don closed his eyes and began to sob harder. He didn’t want them to see him like that. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in their eyes.

He just wanted to die.

“Donatello!” Splinter shouted walking into the barn. “Are you here?”

“We checked it here Dad,” Leo said. “I swear I didn’t see him.”

“Rebel led us here for a reason,” Splinter said.

That’s when Don saw it. Blood was leaking through the gaps in the floor board. They would see it. They would know where he was.

“The loft,” Leo finally said.

Don knew they would find him. He knew he was caught. A few seconds later he opened his eyes to see Leonardo staring back at him.

It was the last thing Don remembered seeing before the world went black.

\--

Leo ripped off his bandana and tied it around Don’s bleeding wrist. It didn’t seem like the cut was too deep but he had lost a lot of blood. The discarded bloody box cutter lay forgotten on the floor.

“I need help!” Leo shouted. “He’s bleeding everywhere.”

Splinter climbed up the later and with a little difficulty they managed to get down. Leo’s screams had drawn Casey from the house. He quickly took Splinter’s place and helped Don into the house.

Despite Leo’s make shift wrap there was a still a little blood leaking out onto the snow.

“Hang in there Don,” Casey said. “I bet you can still hear me. Just keep breathing.”

Somewhere through the darkness Don could hear them. He could his friend. He tried to open his eyes but he couldn’t. The smallest groan escaped his mouth.

“See,” Casey said as they entered the house. “He’s still with us. We got to him in time.”

Splinter watched as his friend and son carried the injured one up the stairs.

“Put him in my room,” Splinter said. “It’s the warmest.”

Leo nodded and carried his hurt brother through the door. He placed him on the bed.

“I’ll see about some real bandages,” Casey said before leaving the room.

Leo kneeled down next to his barely breathing brother.

“Oh Don,” he said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m so sorry I didn’t come home when I should have.”

Splinter wanted to comfort his son but he couldn’t. He found himself standing in the doorway unsure of what to do. He knew no one was to blame. Don had a serious problem. Yet, part of him couldn’t help but blame Raphael. He had been so cruel to him right he cut his wrist.

Casey pushed back through and began to tend to Don’s wounds.

“I’ll go tell the others what has happened,” Splinter said.

Splinter walked out into the hallway and closed the door behind him.


End file.
